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Tuesday, 9 August 2011

image for Theresa May Authorizes Water Pistols to MET Riot Control Officers: 7500 Call In Sick ! Not Since the Blitz! London On Fire Fueled by Hate!

Home Secretary Theresa May appeared to anger many in London yesterday after refusing to authorize the use of water cannon as mobs continued to loot and burn down many historical sites in the city and surrounding suburbs leaving homeowners and business owners to fend for themselves.

The Home Secretary denied reports she is lobbying to replace EU Rep Barrenness Arsecrass by her restrained actions, which have won her a standing ovation in the Council of Ministers.

Going into the third night of mayhem, and under mounting pressure, Ms. May reluctantly authorized the issuing of Italian Beretta water pistols to a select few of the riot police that had previously passed water pistol training under guidelines issued by Council of Water Guns in Brussels.

Confronted by reporters, Ms. May also said she authorized the use of 'Riot Spray', "a bit of spray may put them off if they get too rambunctious....I think Lilac will do nicely, Eh? And we'll be able to sort the little buggers out later if we can catch up with them...elementary, innit?"

Ms. May delivered a stirring speech to squad leaders after she announced her decision in a rousing call to arms saying, "well, all right then lads...I've given you the means to stop this nonsense in it's tracks. We're all behind you , now go out and get 'em...remember, they're all someone's children...be gentle!"

Unfortunately, shortly after the announcement spread on Twitter by members of the department, and just before shift change, over 7500 MET officers set to enforce a 5 PM curfew called in sick.

Most blamed 'smoke inhalation' for their action, others said they were just following the lead of politicians who were taking the opportunity to 'go on holiday' to 'get away from it all."

Others were more blunt. "They can F***k off if they think I'm going back on the streets with just my Dick in my hand," said a 22 year veteran of the streets. They don't pay me enough for this S***t...and wot's the use after all, we've got EU 'uman rights officers all over the place filming us as we try to stop the burning and looting...we can't touch the little bastards, and if we put the cuffs on 'em and throw 'em in the wagon, we'll be up before the bench and draw more time then them will...I mean, WTF...I'll just git me helmet...!"

Retail reports coming in indicate that US made baseball bats, especially the aluminum Louisville Slugger models, are outselling badminton racquets by 20-1, most going out the door with an added VAT of 30%.

Record stores report a spike in Bob Marley CD's

In the Sharia districts of the Capitol, Arab shops are reporting they're almost out of Burkas suddenly popular with the 11-16 year old youth market, including a preponderance of white customers who don't know how to figure out the exchange rate, let alone how to count their change.

"I think we're onto something really, really big here, " said clothing merchant Ali Bin-Bomba, "this is proving even bigger and better than our annual Ramadan White Sale!"

On Tothill Street, just blocks from Westminster Abbey, and around the corner from Scotland Yard, the streets were deserted except for a few fool hearty mice seen scurrying in an out of a corner pub carrying bits and pieces of left over kidney pie as they began hoarding for what one bystander said, "Well, these mice, here, well, they're more accurate than that ground hog over in the colonies somewhere. Me thinks we are in for a long siege by the look of it...think I'd best get home and dismantle the gazebo again and use it for boarding up me windows and doors....I'll just get me bat and be on me way!"

In the devastated streets of Tottenham the strains of Bob Marley can be heard blaring as another night falls on Britain:


Ambush in the night
All guns aiming at me
Ambush in the night
They opened fire on me
Ambush in the night
Protected by His Majesty

Even as far away as Bristol as shop keepers fearfully stood guard, they could hear the boom boxes as the crowd got closer:


This morning I woke up in a curfew
Oh god, I was a prisoner too - yeah
Could not recognize the faces standing over me
They were all dressed in uniforms of brutality

How many rivers do we have to cross
Before we can talk to the boss
All that we got seems lost
We must have really paid the cost

(That's why we gonna be)
Burnin' and a-lootin' tonight
(Say we gonna burn and loot)
Burnin' and a-lootin' tonight
(One more thing)
Burnin all pollution tonight
(Oh yeah, yeah)
Burning all illusions tonight

One may wonder where a statesman like Winston Churchill could be found at moments like this. Lest we forget:

*Some see private enterprise as a predatory target to be shot, others as a cow to be milked, but few are those who see it as a sturdy horse pulling the wagon.

*The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

*We contend that for a nation to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

*An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile-hoping it will eat him last.

God Speed Britain.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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