Written by David F Mayer
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Wednesday, 17 January 2007

Thunderbolt Golf Equipment has announced the utterly revolutionary Thunderbolt Blaster Golf System. Richard R McCovey, President of Thunderbolt, spoke at a press conference where he revealed for the first time the Blaster.

McCovey: "Most duffers just don't get any better, no matter how long they play golf. All of the new technology, prior to the Blaster, just does not improve the golfer's score very much. The Blaster changes all that. With the Blaster, the golfer can reduce his score by 20, 30 strokes at least, often much, much more."

Reporter: "What do you usually shoot these days with the Blaster?"

McCovey: "Generally, I golf in the low sixties, and sometimes break 50. I am talking about on regulation golf courses, not Putt-Putt."

Reporter: "That is amazing. Could you explain to our readers how the Blaster System works?"

McCovey: Certainly. There are two principal components of the Blaster System. First of all, there
is the Blaster driver, called the Mjolnir after the magic hammer of the Norse god Thor. Unlike ordinary drivers, that merely transmit your muscle power to the club impact surface, the Mjolnir uses pyrotechnic cartridges to augment your own power giving you effortless 400-yard drives. It uses standard .22 caliber blank cartridges that are used in construction to drive nails into concrete and that sort of thing. When the golfer hits the ball with the Mjolnir, the cartridge fires, producing high-pressure gas that slams the impact plate into the ball with incredible power and accuracy. It has an adjustable gas spill gate that permits the golfer to control the power. Furthermore, it is completely silent. The hollow shaft is actually a double tube silencer, with stainless steel fibers between the tubes, and tiny holes in the tubes to permit gas to escape without even a whisper. The Mjolnir puts the power of smokeless gunpowder into your stroke."

Reporter: "That is very impressive. What about the second major component?"

McCovey: "The second major component is the ball itself, which we call the Magellan. It is the highest tech golf aid ever invented. It guarantees that your shot will be straight every time."

Reporter: "How does it work?"

McCovey: "You know the dimples on a golf ball. They reduce friction by cutting turbulence. The Magellan takes this principle all the way. When the Magellan ball is hit by Mjolnir, it takes flight at very high speed. The 336 dimples are connected to a plenum chamber with 336 tiny valves that are controlled electronically by the Magellan's guidance system which gets information from its on-board GPS system. This adjusts the pressure around the ball and thereby controls its trajectory. The coordinates of all of the holes are stored in Magellan's memory before the game, so it knows exactly where it is supposed to go, and the in-flight course correction system gets it there. The result is that the golfer usually gets onto the green in one stroke."

Reporter: "Incredible! OK, suppose I wanted to buy the Thunderbolt System; how much does it cost?"

McCovey: "Our price for the clubs, the bag, 6 balls and the controls system is only $325,000 -- about the same as a Rolls-Royce."

Reporter: "Whew! Isn't that a little steep?"

McCovey: "We are catering to the best people, that is, the richest. Our high-tech golfing system is not for the everyday yokel, just like a Rolls-Royce. Only rich people deserve the finer things in life. After all, what is the point of getting rich if it doesn't buy a person privilege?"

Reporter: "Wouldn't you call using the Thunderbolt cheating?"

McCovey: "You must be kidding. How do you think a person gets $325,000 to spend on a set of golf clubs and half-dozen balls? By being a nice guy? By being honest? Of course it is cheating, but undetectable cheating, which is just how these guys got rich in the first place."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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