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Saturday, 6 August 2011

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At the start of every new college year will also mean the start of a new year for clubs and societies on campus. Here are a few tips to survive Clubs and Socs Day.

Scientists in Geneva have discovered a mental quirk in students that is typically seen only at New Year's. You will, in your sensory overload, genuinely believe you will attend the weekly meetings of the crochet club, the Basque sympathisers group and the Charlie Chaplin appreciation society. In reality, you will join the ultimate Frisbee club because it is a sport that requires the least amount of running and really they are a drinking team with jerseys. [Note: This does not apply to Erasmus students; you are legally wasters and will join everything]

Also, be wary of the tables that offer free sweets. Your parents were right: never take candy from strangers. Free sweets are the tool of a paedophile and you wouldn't trust a paedophile. Avoid the political parties because they will all bandy about pictures of Michael Collins and unless I can't remember my history correctly, the Big Fella said he was signing his death warrant not that he was signing his image rights over to students with a bit of land (Fianna Fail) or a beard (Sinn Fein).

When you wander through the hall you will also notice a number of hot women floating around. Take extra care here because they either work for some charity, Amnesty International or are card carrying members of the left. Like Odysseus and the sirens, admire their charms but don't give in! Once you sign up for Amnesty you can never back out because you can't be seen to be anti-human rights. If that is how you come across, say bye bye to becoming a man in Fresher's Week. Oh, and if they ask about whether you have heard of Mr. Ping A Ling, the Chinese journalist sent down for free thinking, it is a rhetorical question because they will tell you anyway. Nod, stroke your chin, sign the petition and then continue flirting.

On the other hand, if you are trying to plug some club or society you will probably get 300 signatures. Before you get swept away with thinking you will finally show the world with your student army that you were right all along, most of those people probably won't show up. And by probably, I mean that you will be chairing most meetings to an empty room.

Whatever happens, enjoy your first Clubs and Socs Day and embrace it with an open mind. After all, by second year you will have been assimilated and will be offering candy to strangers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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