Written by Indy87
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Friday, 5 August 2011

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Having spent several months teaching English in a rich part of Spain, I certainly picked up a few thing that will better equip you should you decide to sign up for a tour of duty as an English teacher abroad.

Hey Stefan, let's hit the slopes! Last one back to the lodge is a LOSER. If you are in a rich school, expect your students to do things like ski in the Alps and ride horses in Argentina. Be prepared as this is a world away from an Irish childhood of jumpers for goal posts, avoiding beatings from scobes and freezing your arse off in Dingle. I was lucky enough to go skiing with my students and while I heroically skied up the mountain I walked meekly back down after discovering I had the turning circle of an articulated lorry and, like X-Factor, the just not stopping. The well heeled Spanish kids cried, 'Why can't you ski, loser?' Well kids, Ireland is not a skiing powerhouse and my parents were not rich enough to send me every winter to the mountainsā€¦

As you walk through the corridors of your school/ prison/ mental asylum expect cat calls, whistles and lots of attention. Congratulations, you are now a sex symbol. Confused, aren't you? How did this happen? These beautiful Spanish girls haven't seen those pictures of on holiday in the GAA jersey roasted red raw from the sun and passed out in a fountain. Thank God for Facebook's de-tagging facility and carefully edit your photos so you can better present the best of wonderful, poser you. Hey, Zoolander's Blue Steel look is still funny! Remember to start an unofficial countdown for when those lovely 15 year olds become sweet, sweet 16 year olds. This will be a laugh. Well less of a laugh and more of a sexual misdemeanour charge in waiting

If you can ignore the crippling anxiety that comes from the knowledge your self esteem rests on the approval of these kids then teaching can be quite the experience. Chuckle gently to yourself as your students ask you do you have any children. Yes, kids really are that stupid and you are their physical and mental superior. Bask in this knowledge and lament its loss when the students undermine it by asking frequently about sex. The size of your penis is not, however, on the syllabus so do not feel obligated to answer this question or any question that involves the words 'sex', 'you' and 'how often'.

Do not flippantly remark that the school is a 'fucking zoo' in front of the other teachers but know that it really is a fucking zoo and you are the old lion they come to laugh and stare at, bereft of your former glory and alone in a place that is not homeā€¦ some craic though!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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