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Friday, 22 July 2011

image for Ten Top Really Crap Things To Do To Make You Feel Better When You're Feeling Suicidal I'm Swingin' In The Rain - Fuck Me - That Hurts More Than I Expected

Depressed? Feeling a tad suicidal are we?

Never mind.

Doesn't bother me in the least.

But here are ten top really crap things to do if you feel like popping your own cork.

1 - Play Sinead O'Connor's 'Nothing Compares 2 U.'

You don't really want to listen to this. What you need to do is convince yourself that you're not really suicidal at all, and that life's great. Life's not really all that bad when you think about it. Sure, it can be a bitch sometimes, but give it a chance. Who knows - you might even get to like it. But avoid Sinead O'Connor like the plague.

You just don't need teary Irish women singing about lost love when you're feeling lower than a mouse's bollocks. The bitch will have you jumping in front of a train before you know it. With her baldy napper and tears and stuff.

2 - Go To Your Local Library

They've got a wealth of stuff here about premature deaths, murders, suicides, true crime, and all that malarkey. And most of them provide internet access. But don't bother with any of that. Just check out the frustrated librarians and the homeless people pretending to read Kafka so they can get out of the cold, and that thirteen year old lad with the slightly dodgy attitude who's checking out ten books about serial killers. (You wonder where they're all headed.) This should make the world seem like a brighter place.

3 - Pop Into Your Local Job Centre Plus And Just Sit Down.

No matter how bad you think your life is, it's worse here. Gay receptionists called Nigel direct people to interviews, where stony faced lesbians tear their aspirations to pieces. And a burly security guard named Dave overlooks proceedings with one hand on a baton and the other on that pepper spray he bought in Barcelona on a mini weekend break with his girlfriend, Monica.

Who got pissed and showed her bits to the staff at the hotel. Dave's dying to use that pepper spray. To cap it all, Dave's got a really small willy through years of steroid abuse, and despite having a trophy girlfriend, he can't get it up any more.

Now, you should be starting to feel better. After all, nothing is ever so bad...I dunno - you'd have to ask Dave...

4 - Visit A Home For People Who Have Suffered Serious Brain Injuries

It won't be at all how you perceive it. As Martin Shuttlecock says:

"You'd think they'd all get along, given that they all share a similar condition, but the truth is, they fucking hate each other, and will throw punches if placed within reach. It's weird - they get along okay with their carers, but almost invariably detest their fellow patients, and quite often get physical about it. I looked after one chap who was quite delightful in his way, but when he took umbrage with his room mate, he'd either throw his TV out the window, or make him a coffee with about twenty spoonfuls of instant in it so that his room mate got the screaming shits. And then he'd laugh his bollocks off about it. Which was okay in principle, but the room mate had a thing about stuffing things down the toilet. He'd stuff anything down there. Phones, credit cards, handbags, wallets - anything he could get hold of. We used to call the bog the 'Wishing Well.' True dat."

So you see, if you think you're having a hard time, go see somebody who is really having a hard time. It will probably help you appreciate how lucky you really are, despite your woes.

5 - Spend A Few Nights In An Open Access Homeless Shelter.

Shuttlecock again:

"It's not all doom and gloom, there are people you can actually help, and they're the majority. Out of about 120 cases I dealt with, in a wet shelter, where people could consume alcohol on the premises, I only ever lost four. One was a wanted criminal, one had a grudge against me (We've since become friends) one wandered off into the night on Xmas Eve despite pleas for him not to, and one died of a heroin overdose in the stairwell of a multi-storey car park. There's no such thing as irredeemable, just regular people down on their luck. Even the junkies and alcoholics have hope - they need a lifeline. That's all."

So, as Martin says, if you're feeling bad about yourself, and thinking of ending it all, there's always somebody worse off than you. They don't give up hope, no matter how desperate things get - so quit this suicidal foolishness, and if you insist on throwing yourself under a train or something, try not to inconvenience the rest of us. It's not a dramatic statement - it's an inconvenience. And some poor schmuck has to clean up the mess. Think it over.

6 - Forget About The Fucking Money

Money makes the world go around. And while it's nice to have enough money to be able to live a reasonably comfortable life, it really isn't the be all and end all.

If you feel like jumping off a building because your financial life has gone into irretrievable meltdown - fuck it.

There are ways around it.

Just look at all the mega-rich people in the world. Do they look happy? Do they fuck. Roman Abramovich can afford anything he wants, but he's still a miserable bastard, because he's obsessed with hanging on to what he's got. Likewise Rupert Murdoch. How much is enough? How many billions? Fuck that - it just makes you miserable.

Forget about winning the lottery. It won't do you any good. You won't be able to handle it. So, instead of buying silly fucking scratchcards and lottery tickets - keep the money to yourself, and maybe treat the love of your life to something special.

Something that's been worked for has more value than something gifted.

When you see your partner or special other's face light up, that should put a stop to thoughts of topping yourself.

7 - Visit Somewhere Really Nice

Rediscover your joi de vivre. Be inspired! Don't be a miserable git! Go somewhere you always wanted to visit and drink in the lifestyle. Enjoy! See what you're missing! Go and walk the sidewalks of Manhattan, the streets of Rome, visit Barcelona, Hong Kong, Rio De Janiero - it doesn't matter where you go.

Suck it all up.

Immerse yourself in it! Live the dream! You'll probably find you give up on your suicidal inclinations, because you want to revisit this magical place. Can't do that if you've topped yourself, now can you? Exactly. What you waiting for?

Get on with it!

8 - Go To A Wake

Wakes are really shit. The person in question's mortal coil has been bagged and burned or buried. You'd think people would be sad. Au contraire Rodney.

Even if the deceased was a thoroughly honourable individual, the wake exposes humanity at its ultimate nadir. The deceased usually gets slagged off, and people end up fighting over whatever legacy there may be. It all ends in bitterness and hate.

Shuttlecock again:

"My mum died seven years ago and left me half of her estate. I haven't received a fucking penny yet off my cunt of a brother. Because I was adopted, he thinks I have no right to anything. I've taken legal advice, but that didn't work. It appears that my only alternative is to have the cunt bumped off. It's a no brainer really. He lives in my half share house in Burnley, where having him bumped off would cost about a fiver. As opposed to two hundred an hour for a solicitor."

Irish wakes are different - the Irish get spectacularly pissed and instead of fighting among themselves, they mob up and fight every other fucker. For a laugh.

9 - Go To Church

You don't have to keep it up. But it's worth the trip just to see how desperately some people feel a need to tell the whole world that they have some connection with God. And interesting to see how the minister drums up trade.

It doesn't really matter what your religious beliefs are - whether Christian, Muslim, Sikh, Jew, or a follower of Charles Manson - or even Marilyn Manson - your God probably never specifically suggested that you dress up in all your finery on the sabbath of your choice and asked you to cough up a percentage of your income in order to support the church of your choice.

That's a man thing.

And most churchgoers are inveterate sinners. They'll end up in hell as sure as eggs is eggs.

And if you commit suicide, you'll be joining 'em.

If you believe the hype.

It ain't worth it mate. Fuck 'em. Choose life.

10 - Read The Spoof From Time To Time

This will, in all probability make you increasingly suicidal, if you were already that way inclined. But think about it - the shit people write for the site smacks of desperation. This is about as bad as it gets.

Working for the man - for nothing.

Nobody knows why people do this. It remains a mystery.

Just thank your God that you only ever have to read this crap when you feel so inclined.

Others would die for points.

Not pints, points.

Fighting over pints would be understandable - in an Irish way, but the points count for nothing really, so it's all a big waste of time.

And that's it really.

Excepting to say that if you liked reading this, please don't commit suicide, just click on the thumbs. I really need the points. And it'll make you feel good. Not as good as being the recipient of a blow job, admittedly, but then that's something you could aspire to as opposed to topping yourself.

It's much nicer. Trust me.

Or I could just fucking top meself...

Just kiddin'

More when he sobers up.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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