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Thursday, 30 June 2011

image for Letters To The Editor - From Pensioners Some Old Ladies At Bournemouth Last Week When The Weather Was Quite Nice

DIGGING

Dear Editor,

I know people talk all the time about how dull us elderly folk are, and about how we're forever harping on about the good old days, but I make no excuses for calling for the reintroduction of rationing. It never did us any harm, during or after the war, and you didn't see fat kids lolloping about back then. I genuinely believe that youngsters today would be far healthier consuming things such as powdered eggs, nettle tea, and Camp coffee. Not to mention the exercise involved in digging for victory. Rationing would also allow the government to budget better, because they'd have a rough idea of exactly how much each individual would have to spend. On a practical level, it would free up congested roads and put an end to antisocial behaviour, as cheap supermarket drink would become a thing of the past. Of course. in years to come, you'll get people banging on about the good old days when they could buy Belgian lager at a quid a tin, but you can't have everything.

T Hitzlsperger,

Nottingham.

*****

BOURNEMOUTH

Sir/Madam

I'm not usually one to complain, but I would just like to point out that there's absolutely nothing whatsoever that is good about getting old. It's really no fun when everything starts breaking down, especially one's eyesight and mobility. It doesn't seem all that long ago that the wife and I were running up and down the stairs in our house like a couple of mountain goats on heat. Nowadays, by the time we get to the fourth step, we have to stop for a rest. Then there's that thing about everything going south; that can be a tad disconcerting, especially when one's muscles move into a retirement home at Bournemouth. Just about the only positive note in our otherwise dreary lives is that pensioners get a special meal deal at the local fish and chip shop, with everything at half price of a Tuesday lunchtime.

J Klinsmann,

Poole.

*****

CAFE SOCIETY

Dear Editor,

Isn't it about time we Brits rejected all this high blown nonsense that Brussels insists upon imposing on us? I refer specifically to the ludicrous concept of a British cafe society, and all day drinking. Surely the days of restricted opening hours were far better. You knew where you stood when the pubs were only open from 11-3 at dinner time, and 5:30-11 at night. You just couldn't beat the buzz of hitting the bar at last orders, ordering yourself four or five pints, and then getting into a row with the pub staff over drinking up time. Not to mention the pure adrenalin rush of forcing as much drink down your neck as was humanly possible as last orders approached. It's all far too relaxed these days for my liking. Gone are the glory days of chucking out time, and the pitched battles we used to enjoy in the streets after closing time. And whatever happened to all the "rough" pubs? You couldn't beat going into a dingy smoke filled bar, frequented by granite faced men with attack dogs if you were up for a fight. They've all gone now. It's political correctness gone mad if you ask me.

U Rosler,

Knutsford.

*****

SEX CHANNELS

Dear Editor,

It's absolutely spot on that in this day and age, politicians are out of touch with reality. If I was Prime Minister, the first thing I should do, would be to ban the television. There are far too many people loafing about all day doing nothing but watch the old goggle box. They should get jobs and become productive taxpayers. Besides that, the programmes on the television are all bloody rubbish anyway. My son has one of those scatterlight dish box things and he can get about six hundred channels, but there's never anything decent on any of them, apart from the football and the sex channels, which I don't mind having the occasional peek at, but for the most part, it's rubbish. I say we should revert to the good old days of radio, listening to stuff like Dick Barton, the Clitheroe Kid, Desert Island Discs, the Billy Cotton Band Show, Sexton Blake and Dick Barton. And while they're at it, they should bring back Kenny Everett and John Peel for the younger end. Listening to the wireless never did me any harm. It's been years now since I vandalised a telephone box.

F Beckenbauer,

Hove.

*****

SPROUTS

Dear Editor,

It's horrible getting old. I always forget what I'm doing and the younger ones, whose names escape me, continually mock me for that. I have to take tablets. Lots and lots of tablets, all colours but not all at once. Some first thing in the morning, some at lunchtime and some before I go to bed at night. Mind you, I know a bloke who has to have injections too. I couldn't be doing with that. I don't want people sticking things in me at my age. Did I say that I have a mobility scooter? It's great. You just plug it into the 'lectric socket at night and in the morning when it's full up with 'lectric, you can drive it all over the place. I like going up the shops on it and trying to run people over. Usually people shout at me and tell me to watch where I'm going, but I just pretend to be deaf. I like smoking in shops and cafes too. It's dead funny when people tell me off for it, then they get all embarrassed when I act scared and confused. I got an ASBO the other day for biting a copper's hand. Fucking jobsworth he was. That'll teach him for trying to boss me about. Oh, and I love cabbage and sprouts. Play havoc with me bowels, they do, which is probably why I love 'em. Did I say that I suffer from terrible flatulence? No?

B Trautmann,

Worksop.

*****

NAKED

Dear Editor,

I am a 92 year old lady, and I live in Bournemouth. But it isn't all perfect. I think it's awful being old. People are forever telling me to take my clothes off. I have no idea what it's all about, but everywhere I go, people seem to expect me to strip off. It's got to the point now where I do it automatically. I don't know why people are so keen to see me naked. I sometimes wonder what on earth's got into them. It's like the nursing home where I live - they're always wanting me naked, and the staff get ever so excited when I smear my own shit up the walls in the toilet cubicle. I don't know what's wrong with young people today. If you ask me, they spend far too much time watching pornography on the interweb.

U Seeler,

Bournemouth.

*****

Are you an old person? Or even a young or middle aged one? If so, we don't really want to hear from you. To be honest, we're getting a bit tired of reading stupid letters. So don't bother sending them to us. Not unless you're a ghost or an alien, or something really interesting. Oh, and no more letters from striking public sector workers please. I mean, for supposedly educated people, you're a right bunch of selfish, moaning, whiny cunts.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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