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Saturday, 25 June 2011

image for Letters To The Editor - About Letters To The Editor Dear Editor - Blah Blah Bleedin' Blah...

Dear Sir,

I'm writing to you in order to express my disgust at the sudden proliferation of so called Letters To The Editor. If you ask me, it's just stupid. I mean, it's not like writing to you is going to make any difference to anything, because you're just a bleeding editor when all's said and done. This whole letters to the editor thing is just pointless. I mean, what are you going to do about anything? It's not like you can delete history at the touch of a button. And some of the people who write to you are either really creepy, really dumb, or possibly both. It's a crying shame that some of these people don't have anything better to do.

Eddie Lizzard

Penge.

*****

Dear Editor,

Just a brief note to say that I absolutely agree with Mr Eddie Lizzard of Penge - letters to the editor are stupid, pointless, and provide no possible benefit to anybody, nor serve any useful purpose that I can determine. My next door neighbour is a great one for writing letters to the editor, and he's a right pain in the arse. The imbecile doesn't have a life of any kind, other than writing letters to the editor of our local newspaper, constantly whining about the animal sacrifices I conduct out the back garden of a Saturday evening, rain or shine. The idiot can't get it into his thick skull that what I do on my private property is my business - even if it does involve garotting kittens, chickens, puppy dogs and geese. I've tried to point out to him that he's wasting his time constantly writing to the editor about me. I mean - what are you going to do? Come around and cover me from head to toe in fucking Tippex? Get a life guys!

Maxwell Crowley

Loughborough

*****

Dear Sir,

What I'd like to say is that I am all in favour of having a letters to the editor page. I write letters to the editor at least nine times daily. Even when there's nothing to say. I always somehow manage to put pen to paper and come up with some drivel or other, no matter how puerile or utterly self-indulgent. I feel that having a letters to the editor facility is an invaluable tool which enables me to get through what otherwise would be some very dreary days. Personally, I don't know where I'd be, were it not for being able to write to the editor about the weather, the local traffic, the price of noodles, or my wife's infidelities - probably dangling off a canal bridge somewhere on the end of a rope. So let's all stop knocking the editor and his letters. It makes my day when my letters get published in these esteemed pages. Mind you, I get bitterly disappointed when my epistles are not published, and sometimes go round to the editor's house (I know where he lives) and 'have a quiet word in his ear.' He sometimes looks at me askance, especially when I show him the meat cleaver, but he is usually very accommodating. God bless him.

Nelson Bates

Morecambe.

*****

Dear Sir,

I don't mind letters to the editor at all. Sometimes I even read them. It just gets on my tits when people drone endlessly on about something and nothing. I'd be grateful if your contributors could keep things brief and to the point. Especially that cunt, Coco Stiltz from Batley, who often writes to your pages droning on and on about a load of absolute bollocks. I could do without that wanker. Your letters page would be all the better for it. Trust me.

Melvin Vite

Bodmin.

*****

Dear Sir,

I'm all for the letters page. These idiots who say that it performs no useful function want their bloody heads knocking together. They may not be aware, but my letters are usually written in code to my supplier on the outside, so he knows exactly what drugs to throw over the wall. It's only your letters page that keeps the lid on D-Wing, and the lads are all eternally grateful for that.

Charlie Wheeler

HMP Walton.

*****

Dear Sir,

I find it almost impossible to comprehend your logic in publishing the letter from Mr Maxwell Crowley of Loughborough. That man wants locking up, and no mistake. I, of all people should be the one to know, because I have been cursed with the dubious distinction of living next door to this devil-worshipping moron. When he accuses me of conducting a hate campaign against him through the letters page of the local newspaper, he's got that one absolutely spot-on. I only campaign against him via letters pages, because he's a big bastard, who would probably kick seven colours of shit out of me if I confronted him face to face. I also suspect that he routinely arms himself with a flick knife. If he wants me to stop writing letters about his nefarious nocturnal activities of a Saturday night, all he has to do is stop the animal sacrifices in his back garden. Simple as that. The big cock-end.

Simon St Anthony

Loughborough.

*****

Dear Sir,

Don't get me wrong, because I'm rather a fan of letters to the editor pages, but I must say that in this, the era of interactive multimedia, the format has become a little tired. I'm firmly of the opinion that the printed versions of such pages could be livened up no end by having pornographic photographs of celebrity lookalikes performing proper sex acts in the margins. The electronic online versions could have quick links to similar video clips, and also to footage of brutal war crimes being carried out, or to cute animals doing unusual things. Such as a kitten cuddling up to a bullfrog and yawning. It's where I see the future, how I see things going.

Mrs D Wagstaffe

Kirkaldy.

*****

Dear Editor,

Speaking as a long standing fan of letters pages, not to mention being a compulsive contributor, I feel obliged to raise the point made further up this page by Melvin Vite of Bodmin. During the course of his missive, Melvin Vite appears to me to infer that I am in some way, a long-winded cunt. Just to set the record straight, I am not in the least long-winded, and I am most certainly not - as he so eloquently describes me - 'a cunt.' As a matter of fact, I am frequently referred to by friends, family, acquaintances and work colleagues alike, as a pillar of the community. Indeed, if there is a problem with letters pages, it is that they allow pricks like Melvin Vite a platform to sully with their vile outpourings. Further, speaking as a recently retired professional rugby league player, former SAS man, and current kick boxing instructor, I would like to challenge Melvin Vite to a fight in a car park of his choice, with the sole intention of knocking his bastard teeth down his scrawny throat. Fucking cyber warriors - I've shit 'em.

Coco Stiltz

Batley.

*****

Dear Editor,

I used to be a big fan of letters to the editor pages, and indeed, was a frequent contributor. However - a word to the wise. Having penned such a letter to such a page recently, I was mercilessly outed by my local community, ostracised by family and friends, and am currently lounging on remand in HMP Walton, facing a string of indecency charges. How did this unfortunate situation arise? All I did was mention in passing that I felt sexually attracted to cardboard boxes. Shortly afterwards, my entire world imploded, and I was arrested by the police. They even took my wig off me. All I would ask is that editors give due consideration to what they publish, as they have a moral responsibility towards their contributors, as the contributors have towards the editors, when sending their letters in. It's a two way street - cardboard boxes or not. In closing, letters pages have driven me to the point of suicide, and it's only the drugs that I get off Charlie Wheeler off D-Wing that keep me going.

Ian Stead

HMP Walton (Formerly of Blackpool.)

*****

Dear Sir,

I'm all for letters pages. It's thanks to a veritable deluge of submissions to local letters pages that the travelling big top circus will be coming to town again this year, after animal rights stick in the muds and politicians tried to have it banned. I'm sure the lions and tigers will be happier fending off a bloke with a whip and a chair, and jumping about on those platforms they have in the cage, than loafing about in the jungle. Likewise the elephant, who will be much happier ferrying people about in a big box on his back than he would have been head-butting Range Rovers in the Great Rift Valley. Three cheers for free speech! And another three for the letters pages!

J Peel

Rothesay.

Do you feel strongly about something? Want to get something off your chest? Trousers too tight? Bit of pre rag-week stress bottled up? Send us a letter or an email at the usual address. Be sure to write your name and address on the outside of snail mail, so we can send it right back marked 'Not Known At This Address.' Don't bother with emails - we just delete them anyway.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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