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Friday, 3 June 2011

image for There's A Rapper In My House

"Mom, do rappers get paid because I've been working on a rap song. Check this out…

Boom chicka bam bam, looking through a rubber band.

Boom chicka bam bam, looking through underwear.

Boom chicka bam bam, I think it's time to eat a pear.

Boom chicka bam bam, do you think I really care?

…and I'm gonna make my rap name 'Yo Kid' because I'll probably say 'yo' a lot and I'm already a kid" Jay-8

Believe me…I'm all for a rap career and the perks that go with it, but I think Jay is going to have to overcome some hurdles to get his rap career off the ground. The main problem is this…the kid's life is way too cushy. A peanut butter and jelly eating white kid from the suburbs is going to have a tough time being taken seriously as a rapper. Kanye West and Eminem will chew him up and spit him out. I can imagine that P. Diddy will take one look at him, choke on his Cristal, and shout, "You are one sorry ass excuse for a rapper. Boy, you need to have some pain in your life." He'd be right, this kid hasn't had enough adversity. He needs some hardship. So here's what I plan to do about it.

1. Pack your own damn lunch. No self-respected rapper has their mother pack their lunch. They either pack their own or eat the school lunch, if they even eat at all. There's no whining over what Mom packed for lunch, "But Mom, I don't like that kind of yogurt and I can't eat these fruit snacks…they're not organic."

2. Lose the scooter and the Batman bike helmet, you look like a wimp. Can you imagine Biggie Smalls, aka The Notorious B.I.G., scootering around Brooklyn on a red Razor scooter, wearing a Batman helmet, while chomping on a blue freeze pop? Hell no! That's a sure-fire way to get your rapper ass kicked right out of Brooklyn. By the way, it doesn't matter that we don't live in Brooklyn, from now on your walking.

3. Quit tattling. The rapping community frowns upon excessive tattling. No more ratting out your brother and sister. Rappers keep it on the down low.

4. Goodbye Power Ranger and Spiderman underwear. You can't be a respected rapper with Ninja Turtle underwear hanging out of your baggy name brand jeans. You'll be the laughing-stock of the rap community. From now on, it's striped or plaid boxers. I don't care that "your boys" don't feel secure. You're a rapper now, so toughen up.

5. We're skipping the braces. I don't care that your teeth are a wreck. Instead, we'll make a homemade grill out of aluminum foil. We'll jack it up with some sequins and glitter from the craft store. This will save me thousands in orthodontist bills.

6. Get a girlfriend. In fact, get a few. Rappers are famous for their entourage of beautiful women. I don't care if you think that, "girls are weird and talk too much." It's all about your image.

7. Quit smiling so much, your too damn happy. Eminem never cracks a smile. He's busy thinking about dark depressing themes he can rap about. I don't care that you find it hilarious that your brother can perform the entire Star Spangled Banner with his armpit. No more laughing and smiling…think about the time your fish died.

8. Every rapper needs a good stage name. Ask your friends to refer to you as "Yo Kid". I'll make a note of your name change in this year's Christmas card. Your grandparents might balk, but they'll eventually come around.

9. You need to become a Yankees fan and fast. I don't care that you're a die-hard Phillies fan. It's a prerequisite in the rapping community…they won't let you in if you're not. Rules are rules, so suck it up.

10. It's a good thing you're already a momma's boy. Rappers love their mothers. In fact, they love them so much that they continuously shower them with extravagant gifts, trips, homes, cars and jewels. They never fail to attribute their success, fame and fortune to their mothers.

"And Mom, just so you know, I'm never trying out for American Idol. They don't take rappers." Jay-8

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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