Written by Michael Balton
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Wednesday, 4 May 2011

image for White House Releases Transcript of bin Laden's 911 Call Last call for bin Laden.

What did Osama bin Laden do when he heard the sound of helicopters? He called 911 of course. The White House has released a transcript of the terrorist's last call:

Bin Laden
Hello 9-1-1. I have an emergency to report. Someone is flying helicopters too close to my headquart... too close to my house.

Operator
That sounds like a noise complaint, sir. You need to hang up and call your local police precinct.

Bin Laden
Hold the phone. A bunch of infidels are jumping out of the helicopters. I think they're Navy Seals.

Operator
Then you need to call animal control, Sir. You'll find the number in the front of your phone book.

Bin Laden
Holy Shiite! They are breaking in my front door and smashing my windows.

[sounds of explosions and breaking glass]

Operator
So now you're reporting a robbery? Please sir, make up your mind. Can you give me an address?

Bin Laden
You imperialistic slut, asking me if I'm wearing a dress. This is a traditional Arabic tunic...

Operator
Watch the language, sir. I said an address, not a dress.

Bin Laden
Oh. I am at 2665 Death to America Lane... Abbottabad.

Operator
Is that anywhere near Costelloland?

Bin Laden
Very funny. I'm about to be slaughtered like an unclean pig and you're making with the who's on first jokes.

Operator
Sorry, sir. A patrol car is on the way. You have a good evening now.

Bin Laden
You don't understand. The American dogs are snapping at my heels. And I'm fresh out of hostages.

Operator
Well, you can hide in a closet.

Bin Laden
Are you implying that I prefer men over women?

Operator
No, but I think you need counseling. Let me connect you with the suicide hotline.

Bin Laden
Do you know who you're talking to? This is Osama bin Laden. I invented suicide.

Operator
Oh, everyone thought you were hiding in a cave.

Bin Laden
I wouldn't be caught dead in a cave.

[Sounds of gunfire. The connection goes dead.]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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