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Tuesday, 26 April 2011

image for 6 Successful Italian Americans You Don't Know Sh-t About  (Part  1)

How do you make a Dago successful in business? Give him a gun! Bwaa, haa, haa. That is f--king hysterical!

Here's six Italian-Americans who succeeded in business without having their competitors killed, the body thrown in a cement mixer, and poured into the foundation of a Howard Johnson's. (Because, ya know, that's what happened to that f--ker Hoffa. We all know where he is. We just can't tell you.

6.) Bob Guccione (1930 - 2010) founder and former publisher of Penthouse Magazine.

Boobies!

Robert Charles Joseph Edward Sabatini Guccione was born in Brooklyn, New York, of Sicilian descent, and raised as a Roman Catholic in Bergenfield, New Jersey.

Penthouse began publication in 1965 in England, with the goal of competing with Hugh Hefner's Playboy on several levels. One approach Guccione took was "Split-Beav": Penthouse's pictorials were more sexually explicit, and thus easier to masturbate to. Bob was the first to show female pubic hair, then full-frontal nudity, and then the exposed vulva, cervix, fallopian tubes, bottom of lungs, small intestine and anus, as well as Madonna's vagina and then-Miss America Vanessa Williams having her a--hole played like a trumpet. TOOT! By 1975, obstetricians were using layouts to remotely perform pelvic exams for the models.

In the late 1990s, the magazine began to show more "fetish" content such as urination, bondage, and "facials". (Bleeech.)

So he was rich, then he used all his money to show off Helen Mirren's boobies in Caligula, then we went broke and died.

Also, boobies!

5.) Gil Amelio - former CEO of National Semiconductor and Apple.

From 1994 to 1997, while running Apple, Amelio was responsible for inventing the iPod, iMac, iPhone and single-handedly replaced Steve Jobs' liver with one he cobbled together in his basement with turkey giblets and an acr-welder.

Ok, that's not true, but he made Apple profitable. Which, before all those cool porcelain-white gadgets, wasn't easy. He is also an IEEE Fellow, has been awarded 16 patents, and authored three books: An American Imperative (1993), Profit from Experience (1995) and On the Firing Line: My 500 Days at Apple (1998), the latter two of which were business bestsellers.


4.) Richard Belluzzo - VP at HP, CEO of SGI, President and COO at Microsoft, CEO of Quantum Corp.

Belluzzo began his executive career at HP, working there for 23 years, with his last role being executive vice president of their computer division.

In 1998 he moved to SGI as Chairman and CEO, next moving on to Microsoft --initially to run MSN, then becoming President and Chief Operating Officer of Microsoft for fourteen months.

He also, mercifully, killed UNIX.

Belluzzo was a strong advocate at HP to reduce their investments in HP-UX and PA-RISC in favor of Windows NT and Itanium, as well as getting SGI to cut their investments in IRIX and MIPS. The effect of these decisions was to destroy two of the leading platforms in Unix computing and greatly increased the opportunity for Intel and Microsoft to get into high-end computing. His platform, "F--k UNIX," was later made into a hit song by Willie Nelson.

3.) Samuel DiPiazza - CEO of PricewaterhouseCoopers.

Who let the WOP near the money?!?!?! No one was saying such a thing, even though Sam DiPiazza was at the helm. Holding PhDs in Accountancy and Economics, DiPiazzaan announced in 2008 that he was retiring after a 35 year career with the firm, most recently is as CEO of the organization. He remained with PwC for a transition period and retired in 2009, living in a quiet country mansion made entirely out of origami-folded $100 bills. 'Cause he made a sh-tload of money at PriceWaterhouseCoopers.

X.) (INELIGIBLE: REMOVED FROM LIST) Carly Fiorina - former CEO and Chairman of the Board of HP.

TWEET! FOUL! It was only after researching this piece did I find that one of my personal heroes --Carly Fiorina-- isn't... exactly...well...

"I should have been, I wave my arms a lot," Fiorina responded when asked if she was Italian whiie running for Senate in California. "I speak Italian, I love pasta, but I'm not."

Love pasta? Wave your arms around a lot? That's what you think Italians are all about? F--k you, lady. The former Carly Sneed is only Italian by injection. (She has been married to Frank Fiorina --a REAL Italian-- since 1985.)

So, yeah, blah blah, she has a Bachelor's degree in medieval history from McDonalds' Burger University, she worked at a hair salon and as a secretary for Kelly Services, dropped out of UCLA School of Law in 1976 after one semester, then got an MBA from Clown College, ran HP, managed not to f--k it up, and lost a Senate election to Barbara Boxer. Again I say, f--k you, lady.


Continued, see 6 Italian-Americans You Don't... Part 2.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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