Written by dgwest7
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

image for Cicadas attack White House White House before cicada attack

Cicada is not an instruction to the English Football Team, but in fact the name of a small beetle that has been gifted to us to save the human race.

Eleventeen totally-undocumented but parallel scientific booze-ups found that the sound emitted by the cicada was a ball-ache, hence the need to kick ardour.

<<<Breaking News>>>

The police from Iamtheboss, Countyourdays, have been reported as breaking into a peaceful home of a simple computer enthusiast. Apparently he had amassed so much humour that there was a fear it could be used as a weapon of mass distraction.

Big Farmer said "There is a serious likelihood that too much laughter will cause a drop in the sale of cute farmer's things which in turn will hasten the total and complete collapse of the world's economy, which could otherwise be staved off until next Wednesday".

However, when we visited the Royal Order of Funny Laughter Institute (ROFLI), Mr Yesitz Phunny, the recent winner of The Pullet Surprise said "I haven't been able to wear any socks since first reading Sunday Humour, because I keep laughing them off. However, you must be the first to know that just a few hours ago I accidentally released a batch of especially hardy and dangerous cicada' ........

the radio faded as evening fell.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The sound of the cicada has been likened to that of chanting monks. The vibrations emitted have a magically peaceful effect over quite a wide radius.

In Laos for example, the interspersion of monasteries and cicada families is such that you are never alone.

So now, after the report back from our scout Bernard the micro-chipped cockroach we have been training cicadas for a visit to the White House"

<<<Breaking News - continued>>>
- a strange noise has been heard emitting from the white house - there are fears for the president's safety.

We now go live with our nude reporter Intrepid Dan into the white house, and..... 'Whoa!'
. We are immediately horrified at what we find

>>>>>>>>>>>. radio fades

The unusually good good good vibrations from these small beetles cause ball ache at first, but castration is not necessary because these cicada sounds have been discovered to dissipate the streams of bovine manure which usually flow from the white house making The Amazon look like a book shop. Besides, castrating a cicada is an intricate job.

<<<Breaking News>>> <<back inside>>>>>>

We enter the room, and spot a computer in the corner, which begins to speak :
"You have forcibly entered this room. I have been programmed to now release all the humour files onto the Internet. You must immediately protect your socks."

The cicadas had already arrived and started their deafening chorus - the president's ears were receiving a terrible bashing, but suddenly a secret service man without a badge, the only one there like that, explained that there was an antidote to cicadas.

The white house staff swung into action, and switched on the stereo at maximum volume, and suddenly we were treated to the full effect of the superupyournosiness of Julie Andrews echoing forth with "The Hills"- this was enough to silence the cicadas.

However, the antidote was too late - the president was already a changed man.

He invited all present to join him in a doobie, and made suggestions of how to train cicadas to enter the homes of the people who had stolen all the recent bail-out money, in the hope that they too would have the shite vibrated out of them, and enable them to become decent human beings.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top