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Thursday, 31 March 2011

Breasts and Speeches
By Les Peter Patterson Jnr

It's appropriate that Julia Gillard's speech tonight at the Gough Whitlam Inaugural oration would be happening straight after the New South Wales Election.

The Labor Party are without a political narrative at both the state and federal level. Fair Dinkum was just watching it on ABC News 24 and I have to say Julia's breasts have more to say than the movement of her lips.

Flying back to Sydney from Melbourne this week, I was watching John Hewson crapping on about something on Sky News. This was before Virgin Blue cut off the feed. After finding out there was no adult channel, I passed on paying the $10 bucks, but I digest.

Julia is very very very very very very boring. She makes my dentist Kevin look like a rock star. She makes Real Estate agents respectable and most importantly she represents the absolutely abysmal political stock that the Labor Party has at the moment. Yet somehow they think magically they still have a mandate. What have they been smoking at head orifice?

Speeches about why Labor is moving forward and rubbishing on about how climate taxes and mining taxes are important for working people is especially degrading especially considering these measures will only enrich people like Malcolm Turnbull.

It gives my brain and bowels significant bouts of gastropodic inflammation to think that this woman is going to continue to be our Prime-mate until the next election.

Granted she must feel like she has as many friends as Andrew Bolt in the public gallery, but again I digest.

The truth is she needs to go. A flash in my memory suddenly makes me think Campbell Newman would make a good Prime Minister if there was a good Federal seat for him.

But that is a flight of fancy about as tall and wide as trying to say climate change is real and stopping farting is gonna make a difference.

Just think of all the baked beans manufacturers that will lose jobs if this tax goes through? Just a minute as I call my horn-bag assistants over for some direct 'dick-tation'.

(Extended Pause).

Alright where were we, oh yes Julia's boring speeches and her interesting breasts. Tony Ablett has a one up on her, with the arrival of Bazza O'Farrell and I wait with significant interest to see if Bazza is gonna apply the trusty political thumbscrews.

If anything this recent political cycle has been nothing but a long winded wank-fest. I attended a Climate Conference at Sydney University a few weeks back and we managed to watch Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth and a few Michael Moore films before being told we had to believe in climate change and that Tony Ablett was a future baby killer for not supporting the tax.

This made me significantly uncomfortable, especially when I was trying without success to get into the pants of one of the lovely Greenpeace types.


She thought she was signing me up, but I was signing her up to my regime of very special exercises that not only act as a cardiovascular workout but also an educational tool. Indeed the tool I use to educate is one of the hardest to replicate in all of Australia indeed the world. You're definitely with me. But again I digest.

Now that we've reached the nipply and pointy bit of this intelligent intercourse, I must confess that all this open mindedness is sickening!

Climate Change may or may not be crap, but anything Julia says woven into her touchy feely progressive speech about how awesome Gough Whitlam is, will only be drowned out by the truth that men know how to run countries.

Yes, I'm being sexist, it's just the truth!

Consider this. Does anyone remember Carmen Lawrence, Cheryl Kernot, Christina Kennel, Anna Bligh ring any bells? How bad have they been as economic and political managers? What about that silly Democrat Senator Meg Lees? Sure she passed the G.S.T. And was never heard from again. Big bloody deal!

Gareth Evans may well remember Cheryl, but that's an indigestion filled conversation for another time.

Women Business Leaders are different to politicians. You have to remember this, because business leaders aren't prone to be stupid with money. That's why they should stay under the glass ceiling where they belong and only come out for some board room action when asked nicely by the men.

The truth is, the Inaugural Gough Whitlam oration will only become interesting again if Paul Keating is the only one asked to address it. He might actually have something substantive to say! Plus he doesn't have boobs to distract the cameraman.

In the end Julia's boobs say more about her than anything she says, says then takes back, says and denies and says then forgets straight after she said it.

You know it's true, because I said it and I'm a man! That surely is enough to meet the standard!


Les Peter Patterson Junior writes from Sydney, Australia.

His interests include collecting and editing nude photographs of Sarah Palin off the internet, guns and most importantly adult film stars.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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