Written by Dirk Scare-Monger
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Tags: Death, LHC

Monday, 28 March 2011

image for Large Hadron Collider causes DEATH says UK intellectual heavyweight

Steven Hawkins (Hackney carriage licence number 666) explained his new theory,
"It's like this innit."

"That Hadron collider thingy is making little black holes an little black holes try an suck everything in don't they. So the whole world is being sucked into France.

"No wonder there's all these earthquakes and cyclones and hurricanes and what not killin people all over the place. Stands to reason don't it!"

When questioned about what could be done Mr. Hawkins said:

"My old nan had a switch on the top of her hover. An if you switched it the wrong way it blew all of the shit out of the bag all over the room. Those geezas in Hadron should just make the thing run backwards then everything would be pushed away from France back to where it was. No brainer in it. Stands to reason. OY! MISSUS! YOU GOT THE WRONG GLASSES ON OR SOMINK! GET OUT THE BLEEDIN WAY!! Bleeding women painting their nails or doing their lipstick."

Asked about the long term viability of the Large Hadron Collider Mr. Hawkins opined:

"Do you know what I think, do ya?! When they've pushed everything back in place they should shut the thing down and turn it into an underground BMX track. Charge the kids a tenner an hour. They'll get their money back in no time. Here we are chief. That'll be 57 pound 25. If you want a receipt call it 65 all right?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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