Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 10 March 2011

image for "Twilight" Stars Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's Horrible Experience Down In Tijuana, Mexico Paco, one of R.Pattz and K.Stews Tijuana, Mexico bodyguards. (Photo courtesy of Pablo).

TIJUANA, Mexico - The stars of the Twilight series Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted by members of Mexico's paparazzi playing video games at The Chips & Queso Video Arcade in downtown Tijuana.

The two American celebrities had gone down to Mexico to do a little shopping and to relax. They hired two off-duty members of the Tijuana Police Department to act as their bodyguards.

Many of the shoppers stopped their shopping and went to the arcade to take a look at the two movie stars from America. Several wanted to go up to the two celebrities and ask for their autograph.

The two bodyguards, identified as Paco and Pablo, told the crowd (in Spanish) that Senor Roberto and Senorita Kristina would sign autographs but that it would cost them 100 pesos each [$8.38 U.S.] or both for 150 pesos [$12.57 U.S.].

Pattinson who understands a little Spanish told the two bodyguards that they would not charge for the autographs and that both he and Kristen would be glad to take about half an hour to sign as many autographs as they could.

Officer Paco became quite upset and informed Pattinson that he and Senorita Kristina were in a foreign country and that the rules, regulations, and customs of America did not hold bottled water in Mexico.

By this time Kristen had become quite upset. Pattinson told the two officers that they were being fired. Paco replied that this was Mexico and that in order for an American boss to fire a Mexican employee he would have to pay the Mexican worker one years severance pay.

Rob exploded. "One year's severance pay?" He shouted. "Amigo, I just hired you ten minutes ago for about two hours. Are you stupid? Were you born stupid? Or are you merely acting stupid?"

Paco quickly unholstered his gun.

Pablo took out a can of pepper spray. Paco then informed the couple that they were going to be arrested, tried, found guilty, and sent to Tijuana's Federal Prison for two years for inciting a riot.

Kristen started crying.

R-Pattz asked Paco how much of a severance package were they talking about.

Paco whispered to Pablo and then he told Pattinson. "Me and my fellow employee we want $12,000 each American money. Plus we want one weeks pay in lieu of us not taking our scheduled vacation, and $2,000 each since neither one of us used our dental plan."

Pattinson shook his head and told him that he would agree and he asked him what the bottom line was.

Pablo took out his calculator and started figuring.

After about three minutes he showed the figure to Paco.

"Okay boss, since you have fired me and Pablo, our one year severance pay with incidentals comes out to $28,500 each American money.

"You will take a check yes?" Pattinson remarked.

"No I will not take a check and just who the hell do you think you're dealing with here, Barney Fife?

Paco instructed Pattinson to call his manager and have him come down to the Tijuana Police Station with $57,000 in cash within eight hours or the amount would go up $1,000 for each extra hour.

As Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart sat in the holding cell in The Tijuana Jail, he glanced outside and saw a billboard with a picture of a burro and the burro was saying, "Hey Americanos Welcome To Happy Mexico - Our Aim Ease To Make Jur Beesit A Berry Berry Happy One."

Pattinson's manager arrived within five hours.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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