Written by Jesus Budda
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Tags: Cows

Monday, 7 March 2011

image for Fascinating...Cows/Cattle This cow likes hearing drivel about cows....

There was me, sitting by the computer, and I thought to myslef....I said: "Jesus Budda, why don't you just post the shite you whack into the FASCINATING THREAD as Magazine Articles instead of letting it wallow away in some crappy discussion forum that nobody cares about anyways...?"

So I have decided to post this fascinating drivel as Mag stories from now on.

FASCINATING Cow/Cattle related facts . . .

I like cows. And they like me.

Dairy cows are relatively lean and angular and have large udders when they are in heavy milk production. Ideally, a dairy cow produces milk for ten months followed by a dry period of about two months, when she tends to become fleshy because she is storing energy for the next lactation, or milking, period.

Fat cow.

The Guernsey breed of cow was developed on Guernsey by cross-breeding the small red cattle of Brittany and the large red and brindle cattle of Normandy.

In 1824 the islanders stopped bringing any other cattle to the island except for slaughter to maintain the purity of the breed.

They islanders probably also made love to the cows too...becasue that's what island folk do, isn't it?

That, and dance and sing and burn visiting policemen in giant wicker men.

I love Fresian cows the most because I was very close to them when I was growing up. Very close....

The Holstein-Friesian is one of the most popular breeds of dairy cow - mainly becasue it is a lovely animal.

The breed was developed in the province of Friesland in the Netherlands (arrogant, sarcastic knobs) and in neighbouring provinces of Germany (humourless, brutally efficient warmongers).

Holsteins were brought to the United States by the Dutch in 1621 but were not kept pure.

The Holstein-Friesian Association of America was established in 1885. The Association is the world's largest dairy cattle registry organization.

Beef cattle are more muscular in appearance than dairy cattle and often compete in body-building competitions - although, lacking hands, they usually fail to impress with their dumbbell lifting displays.

At birth, a beef calf weighs about 80 pounds (36 kilograms). Calves are normally weaned at 6 to 7 months, at which time they weigh from 350 to 650 pounds (158 to 295 kilograms).

Most finished cattle are slaughtered between 15 to 24 months of age, weighing 1,000 to 1,400 pounds (450 to 635 kilograms).

Think about that the next time you eat a burger or a steak. Go on - just imagine that poor, little sad cows face and how sad it feels as you eat its bum, or its ribs or its tongue or tail.

Who would have thought monkeys and cows had anything in common apart from both being keen disco dancers?

The colobine subfamily includes the 'colobus' monkeys of Africa and the 'langurs' of Asia.

The colobines are sometimes called leaf monkeys because of their primarily folivorous diet.

Their stomachs, like those of cows, consist of several compartments, which enable them to digest the tough cellulose in leaves.

Other compartments are used for storing luggage and loose change for the monkey's visit the shop.

In Egyptian mythology, 'Hathor' was the goddess of love, fertility, beauty, music and mirth. She was represented as a cow, or as a woman with cow's horns with the solar disk nested between them.

Pretty, no?

Hathor's name means "house of Horus" - referring to a myth in which Hathor, as a cow, stood on the earth so that her four legs became pillars holding up the sky, while her belly formed the firmament.

'Horus', the sun god, would enter her mouth every evening in the form of a hawk, and emerge reborn each morning.

The dirty devil!

In Norse mythology, 'Buri' was the progenitor of the gods. He was the father of 'Bor' and the grandfather of the principal god, 'Odin'.

According to the 'Prose (or Younger) Edda', 'Audhumia' - an enormous cow, was created at the beginning of time.

She nourished herself by licking stony blocks of ice, which tasted salty to her.

In the spot she licked, the hair of a man emerged by the end of the first day.

Whaaaaaaa????????????????!!!!!!!!!!

She continued licking, and by the evening of the second day a head had appeared.

WTF???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the third day the entire man emerged.

He was 'Buri'.

He was strong and handsome and good.

But wait, there's more!

Buri had a son, 'Bor', who married a giantess named 'Bestla'.

Why of course they did! It's the most naturally thing in the world to do.

Buri and his lovely giantess wife Bestla had three sons: Odin, Vili and Ve.

These were the first of the race of gods.

Pure Nordic madness.

The following is an example of the trouble caused by spreading malicious rumours.

Pay heed.

In 1600 the British East India Company was chartered, and within a century it had trading posts at Madras, Bombay, and Calcutta (then called Fort William).

By 1849 the rule of the company had been extended over virtually the whole of the subcontinent by conquest or treaties.

A cow and pig related rumour started the great 'Sepoy Revolt', or 'Indian Mutiny', of 1857.

Only in the army were Indians well organized.

Cartridges for the soldiers' new Enfield rifles were lubricated with grease.

To load the rifle the sepoys (soldiers) had to bite off the ends of the cartridges.

The sepoys believed that the lubricant was a mixture of pig and cow lard, a religious insult to both Muslims and Hindus.

In April 1857 the sepoys at Meerut refused the cartridges and were punished with long prison terms. Their comrades were infuriated and, on 10th May, they shot their officers, released the prisoners, and marched to Delhi, where there were no European troops. There a local sepoy garrison joined the revolt.

The soldiers restored the former Mughal emperor, Bahadur Shah II, to power.

This outbreak, though eventually crushed, ended the powers of the East India Company.

That is truly fascinating.....if I do say so myslef.

TO BE CONTINUED . . . HOPEFULLY . . .

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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