Most of the world's top chefs wear socks, which goes a long way towards explaining their success in Michelin star awards, but the secret to top chefery lies in knowing which socks to wear whilst preparing a specific dish.
Today, we shall be concentrating on the perfect chicken "sock" kebab - so called, because the barbecued chicken is stuffed gratuitously into a pitta bread, like a foot in a sock.
Black 65% polyester socks work best for this recipe.
Start by putting the socks on.
Then pull your socks up, and you is ready to rock and roll bro!
Step 1 - find a chicken and kill it. If you aren't sure how to locate a live chicken, ask a friend, or a neighbour, or a workmate, or even a stranger in the street. Somebody will be able to point you in the right direction.
Catch the chicken at night. This will reduce your chances of being arrested by the police, for theft, and/or animal cruelty. It is best to wear black, or very dark grey clothing - hence the socks. These measures will help you to avoid standing out in the dark as you approach your chicken.
Having located your chicken, stun it with a taser stun gun, and then behead with an axe. If it still keeps clucking and trying to peck you after doing this - you did it wrong.
Take your chicken home with you, taking care to avoid police patrols, hoodies, and drunks.
Pluck the chicken. Grab fistfulls of feathers and pull them out until the bird is completely bald. (This may take some time, quite a long time actually, if you haven't done it before.) Then gut the chicken. This can be quite a smelly process, so it might help the uninitiated to seal the nostrils with a clothes peg, or a bulldog clip. If you can afford it, buy a space suit from NASA. That ought to cut the whiff out completely, but be warned - it does make for an expensive chicken kebab.
Chop the chicken's feet off with your axe. Then before you proceed, marvel at how the chicken's feet seem to come alive again when you pull on the tendons.
By now, you should have something resembling the type of chicken that you would purchase up the shops.
Now you need to marinate your bird. Not your girlfriend - your chicken. To do this, brush it liberally in oil - any old oil will do, because it burns off in the cooking anyway. Then stick an onion and some garlic up its bum. Put a bit of salt and pepper on, and some cumin, and a sprig of rosemary.
Stand your bird in a big container, like a washing up bowl, or an upturned tractor hubcap, and leave to marinate.
Step 2 - If it's still dark, go out again. If it's nearly daylight, wait until it gets dark again. (You will need a stolen supermarket trolley, and your axe, in order to complete this step.)
Wheel your stolen supermarket trolley around the neighbourhood - taking care to avoid police patrols and denizens of the night - until you find a neighbour's garden with a good sized garden shed. Go into the neighbour's garden, and chop down the shed with your axe. Chop the shed up into manageable sized pieces and stash them in your stolen supermarket trolley.
The contents of the shed - if resellable can be stashed around the neighbourhood for safe keeping until later on. For now, concentrate on getting your wood home. Unless there's a high quality spade in the shed. If there is - nick it. It might be better than the one you borrow from your neighbour.
Dig a hole in your back garden, using the spade wot you nicked, then pile the wood you've collected into the hole.
Step 3 - (For this step, you will also need a screwdriver, a crowbar, a jerrycan, a length of rubber tubing, and a claw hammer.)
Go to a posh neighbourhoud in your area - a proper posh one, not a wannabe area - and locate a Rolls Royce motor car, parked up on a drive. Police patrols in such neighbourhoods may be problematic, so be vigilant, and ever ready to dive into the nearest shrubbery in order to elude probing police car headlight beams.
Having located a Rolls Royce, your next task is to tear off the radiator grille. This is likely to be quite time consuming, as Rolls Royce's were built to last, but you should be able to manage it, using your axe, your crowbar, your screwdriver and your claw hammer.
Having removed the radiator grille, lay it gently on the ground, and then pry open the fuel cap. Using the rubber tube, siphon petrol out of the Rolls Royce's fuel tank, until your jerrycan is full. Having done that, pick up the radiator grille, and make your way home. As inconspicuously as possible.
Remember to avoid the police - or you may land yourself in hot water.
Upon arriving home, slop the petrol you siphoned off from the Rolls Royce over the wood you have prepared in the hole wot you have dug. Then lay the Rolls Royce radiator grille over the pit, and lob a lighted match in.
At this point, you should have started a fire. If you have't - you've done something wrong. In which case call 555-5555 for advice (Calls caharged at £27 per minute, maybe double that from mobiles.)
Throw your marinated chicken onto the Rolls Royce radiator grille, and leave until pretty well charred.
*If you want salad, chilli, or garlic sauce as a mouth watering accompaniment, break into a neighbour's house, and steal the ingredients as required.
Pop a pitta bread into the toaster - if you don't have a toaster, burgle a neighbour's house or an elecrical goods store - and toast until it's done. Toasting is a pretty subjective thing, so you're the best judge as to when it's likely to be ready.
Snip the end off the pitta bread with either a sharp pair of scissors or a pair of gardening shears. Thus making A SOCK OF PITTA BREAD. Rip some meat off your cooked chicken, and stuff into the "sock."
Serve with sides as required.
Wash down with a four pack of strong continental lager...and wait for the police to knock on your door.
That's just about it really.
*The chef/burglar would like to thank Jesus Budda and birbee for their invaluable assistance in the formulation of this masterclass in proper cheffing, for their 'How To' articles and their 'slow cooker' articles. With a special mention to Raffles - The Gentleman Thief - for his insight into thievery.