Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 3 March 2011

image for The Reason Why Melissa and Joan Rivers Were Not Asked To Do 'Dancing With The Stars' Joan River's pet cat, Princess Pinky Poo. (Photo from the Clay Aiken Collection).

HOLLYWOOD - As soon as this years eleven contestants on Dancing With The Stars were announced an angry Joan Rivers called up the DWTS producer and asked her why she and her semi-pretty daughter Melissa had been overlooked as contestants again.

Rivers pointed out to DWTS Producer Bernadette Penderlicki that probably 95 percent of the shows viewers have never heard of Mike Catherwood or Chelsea Kane.

Joan was so furious that the botox in her face was starting to actually move southward toward her neck. Luckily her daughter Melissa saw what was going on with her mom and she quickly ran to the kitchen and had the cook Gretchen, rush over to her mom who was sitting in the living room.

Gretchen quickly grabbed a spatula and gently beat back the botox from her neck area back up into her cheek and forehead area where it belongs.

Melissa insisted that her mother calm down before the damn botox once again made a mad dash and this time it could end up by passing both her knockers, such as they are, and end up in the region of her twin labias, which Joan has nicknamed 'Old Geyser' and 'Old Geezer.'

After Gretchen helped Rivers put everything back where it was supposed to be Rivers picked up the phone but Penderlicki had hung up on her.

Joan cannot understand why Dancing With The Stars did not ask the mother/daughter duo to participate as contestants this year.

She told Melissa, if they can have that Alaskan jock strap-wearing huntress ho's daughter the ever so plain jane, Bristol "The Pistol" Palin on the show then why can't they have my somewhat lovely daughter Meli.

Rivers then remarked that if that Kate Gosselin woman, also known as the "Walking Cervix" was allowed to appear on the show and show America that she has about as much dancing grace as a hippo with a leg cast then why can't she, a woman who was once voted The Senior Class Jewish Bashunska Oy Vey not be allowed to appear.

Tittle Tattle Tonight's Papaya Ruckusgarden asked that question of the shows director Mason Kippflavor. Kippflavor who spoke on grounds of anonymity (sure) stated that the reason that Joan and Melissa Rivers had not been asked to join the celebrity cast of DWTS was because he knows that both women are extremely hot-headed and they would not be able to control their tempers and take negative comments from the judges.

He went on to say that the shows attorneys had informed the executives of DWTS that they would have to take out a special injury liability insurance policy that would run around $28,000 a month and that was just not in the shows already taxed budget.

In other news. A 480 pound female passenger at Los Angeles' LAX Airport has been arrested for having an orgasm during a TSA Pat Down.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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