Written by Skoob1999
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 28 February 2011

image for The Oscars - As They Happened - A Minute By Minute Account From Skoob Entertainment News The King - Practising His Speech. Up A Hill. Somewhere.

With Buffty Ginslinger - Reporting LIVE from the Kodak Theatre, Los Angeles. The 83rd Academy Awards Ceremony.

If he can manage to stay awake...and sober...

Sorry I'm a bit late - just been having a snifter with Charlie Sheen in The Viper Lounge. Lovely bloke. Bit of a lightweight, but you can't have everything I suppose. Right - am I on yet? Okay...

01:20 GMT - I didn't ask for this gig. It was that bastard Skoob. Right now, I'm watching it on my monitor, and basically all that's happening is that the guests are posing for all they're worth on the red carpet. Some American lady commentator is twatting on about fashion. Talking bollocks really. Now there's a woman interviewing Halle Berry in a bar. Do I really have to stay up watching this shite?

01:27 GMT - Now they're interviewing a gay midget, and Steven Spielberg is mopping his brow. Tom Hanks being smarmy. The adverts are on now. Thank God for that. I can go for a piss...

01:32 GMT - It's starting now. Inception clip...oh God, I'm losing the will to live...

01:35 GMT - Some really shit spoofs. The mugs are all laughing - barely merits a one thumb Spoof rating...

01:39 - The hosts take the stage. James Franco and Anne Hathaway - I've never heard of them either, but they do a great job of talking shite.

01:42 - Tom Hanks, twatting on about Gone With The Wind and Titanic - fucking hell - I hope they get on with it. There's more farting about here than on a cattle farm...

01:45 Still GMT - The first Oscar goes to Alice In Wonderland for painting and decorating. Some bloke makes a speech. What? How hard can it be to paint a door?

01:48 GMT - Inception wins a Cinematography Oscar. God knows why. Wasn't it all done on computers?

01:50 GMT - Ad break. Time to get another beer....

01:52 GMT - Kirk Douglas comes on. He looks a bit fragile, and he's not talking too well either. Still a dirty old man though. Doubt he can do much about it. Still, I thought he died in Spartacus or that one about vikings...

01:59 GMT - Oscar for Best Actress In A Supporting Role goes to Melissa Leo (who?) That Kirk Douglas eh? She 's twatting on like a woman possessed, that Melissa woman, (I think it's her out of The Fighter) and she just said "fuckin'" That was brave of her. I do it all the time! Oh fucking hell...she's getting all emotional now....

02:01 GMT - Justin Timberlake says he's Banksy! What a con! He isn't even wearing a burkha!

02:04 - Oscar for best animated short film goes to something I've never bloody well heard of. The Lost Thing or something.

Quickly followed by:

Best Animated Feature - and the Oscar goes to Toy Story 3 - they don't make cartoons like Tom And Jerry any more. Which is a pity.

Ad break. I'm tired. I'd rather go to bed...

02:11 GMT - Best Original Screenplay and Best Adapted Screenplay BASP goes to some bastard whose name I got wrong (Aaron Sorkin) for The Social Network a film written by a geek for geeks. About fucking FACEBOOK!

BOSP goes to: David Seidler for The King's Speech - now there's a surprise. How hard can it be to write a script about a bloke who stutters? Jeeze...

M-mmm-mm-m-muh-muh-muh-mmm-mm-muh-muh - OH FUCK OFF!

02:24 GMT - Best Foreign Language Film Following some unfunny shit from the co-presenters about Hugh Jackman , cue Russell Brand and Helen Mirren (speaking French) goes to Dansk film In A Better World accepted by some Danish woman who looked really depressed. Suicidal almost. Dunno what that's all about.

02:30 GMT - Best Actor In A Supporting Role - and the Academy Award goes to: (I need a piss by the way) Christian Bale for The Fighter bit of a snub for the Rush chap, but at least Bale's a Brit... now with a big beard.

And he didn't say "fuck." Which is a pity. Might have livened up proceedings.

Apologies for the break in transmission. Just had to pass a motion before the house. Not to worry - I paused it - back in real time soon.

Next up - Best Original Score Massive plug for ABC. From some loser who supported the Brooklyn Dodgers...don't ask.

It's Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman, and some orchestra...yawn... (Is it Best Original Score? You sure? Okay...) And the winner is: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network. At least they didn't milk the speech.

The Sound Mixing Oscar? Cement Mixing Oscar would have been funnier - the winner is: Laura Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novik for Inception. He didn't half twat on. One of 'em.

Sound Editing - Richard King for Inception.

Time to fast forward to real time...

Or at least just a couple of minutes behind...

02:58 GMT (Give or take a minute or two) Kate Blanchett - Achievements In Make-up Rick Baker and Dave Elsey for The Wolfman - no complaints there. Rick Baker has been an icon for years.

Costume Design - does this go on forever? Kinell! - Colleen Atwood for Alice In Wonderland She can bang on a bit too. Give Gaddafi a run for his money, she could.

03:06 Buffty Time - Kevin Spacey being as funny as third degree burns...Best Song Oscar - and the winner is (bear with me while I fast forward back to real time. It's just some fool banging a piano and squawking...hang on...)

Back in real time now.

Best Song Oscar goes to... must have missed it. Bugger!

03:13 - Best Short Documentary to Karen Goodman and some bloke for Strangers No More.

03:15 - Best Live Action Short Film to Luke Matheny for God Of Love - with a mad big hair. And something to do with Delaware...

03:18 - Oh God no! A Kristen Stewart clip...Gawd help us...

03:20 - Oprah Winfrey! Whoo! Whoo! Hey Oprah - can you spare a dime? Why not? Biatch!

03:21 - Best Documentary Feature Banksy...didn't win it, so he won't be turning up in a burkha after all...bastards! Inside Job won it.

It's crap now this. I was really hoping Banksy would show up in a burkha...still...I shall carry on...unless I doze off.

Yawn...Best Visual Effects (I think) Billy Crystal gets a standing ovation. He makes 'I am not worthy' gestures. You're right Billy. You're crap. Fuck off! Why don'tcha...jerk...Bob Hope then appears live in black and white even though he's dead. (????!?)

Winner is - Inception. I heard it was crap - though I haven't seen it. Pretentious pap, Paxo called it. Ah Paxo - wonder what happened to him?

Oscar for Film Editing - Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter for The Social Network. Bet they get loads of friend requests on Facebook after this.

Got to feed the cat...

This is worse than live TV - there's only me here...director, producer, and scriptwriter...bastards won't give me no fucking Oscar...

03:42 - Best Song. Again - I wish they'd make their bastard minds up over there in that Hollywoodland...

Florence Welch - what a fucking racket...Oscar Winner? My arse!

And the winner of the Oscar for Best Song is Randy Newman for 'We Belong Together' from Toy Story 3 - If memory serves, he was the fat bloke who couldn't sing for shit, plonking away on the piano. Only in America...

03:52 - Cue Celine Dion singing Smile, whilst looking more like Peter Cushing every day...a bit ironic really, as we were supposed to be fondly remembering dead thespians...many of whom were, in all probability, smacked to the tits on drugs anyway...some of the time.

03:56 - Halle Berry plays the PC race card with a tribute to Lena Horne.. who paved the way for the likes of Whitney Houston...

How much longer does this bollocks go on for? Thunderbirds'll be on in a bit!

Four awards to go - Director, Actress, Actor, and Picture...thank God for that.

GET ON WITH IT HOLLYWOOD!!!

Bastards...

Best Director - the award goes to Tom Hooper for The King's Speech. (Impediment - it would have been more fun had they called it 'The Mad King's Speech Impediment.' Blah blah blah...)

Best Actress - the award goes to Natalie Portman for Black Swan - the gay girlie film about a ballet dancer.

Oh God - she's getting all emotional - is it genuine or is she acting? Or even achtung baby! See end note. She could talk for America. Jeeze.

04:20 GMT - Best Actor - and the award goes to Colin Firth for The King's Speech and he made a right cock-up of his acceptance speech by stuttering throughout. Before finally making an emotional announcement that later this year he'll be appearing on I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here! with Ant and Dec, Alex Reid, and Katie Price.

04:30 GMT - Best Picture - and the award goes to (04:35 GMT - they don't half drag it out...) The King's Speech.

No surprises there then.

End Note - from Buffty Ginslinger - You can tell that duplicitous bastard Skoob that I quit. He says he's not writing celeb stories any more. Well he can kiss my creative arse. And an extra special thanks to our wonderful coalition Cameron/Clegg government, who, with their austere cutbacks have just withdrawn funding from an Oscar winning industry.

It can't be that hard pretending to be somebody else while you're being filmed. I do it all the time in court.

Buffty Ginslinger.

Bed time.

28/02/11

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top ^