Written by Auntie Matter
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Sunday, 13 February 2011

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Several new products and services that the Wall Street Journal describes as "ground breaking" have just been released.

The first from Fuku-GimmeMoney could well be revolutionary. They are proposing to parents to have their company logo tattooed on their children's foreheads as part of their marketing strategy.

The tattoos can be for ten, fifteen or twenty years or even for life. Parents and child will each receive an annual dividend linked to share price. Experts say it is "a winner".

Another "ground breaking" product is a new perfume called AGENT ORANGE developed for Madonna. It smells, you guessed, like oranges.

Here is the ingenious part; it comes with a recording of a special song written by the superstar for the launch of the product. You must listen to the song as you spray yourself with the perfume.

The song and the perfume are destined to be number one hits.

Said her marketing manager Penny Wise; "Basically, nobody will be able to see or touch or smell an orange or look at the colour without thinking of Madonna. It is a tribute to her geniius and was inspired by Cardinal Thomas Wolsey aide to Henry V111.

Madonna is a great admirer of his. He used to keep orange peel in his pockets as a sort of deodorant." This product will open up a whole new field of harnessing the senses to promote products directly through what is now being called "full-on conditioning."

Last but not least, a new company called Hire a Screaming Child has just opened its doors in London's High Street. If you want to get back at anybody in the most brutal way imaginable this is the place to go.

If you have a need for revenge against your neighbours for keeping you up at night, or your old boss for firing you, or the one who made off with your boyfriend or girlfriend this is the place to go.

Said Manager Claude Bottom, "There is nothing on earth more annoying or disturbing than a screaming child. Our infants are specially selected for their lung capacity, volume and reliability. They come in all colours too. We even have twins and triplets if you really want to make sure. You can now ruin any event or anyone's peace of mind for any length of time and you will not even get arrested for it. We think of it as the perfect crime. Already our books are full and we are looking to open more services in America and other countries."

So folks, if you want to ruin somebody's wedding in a way they will never forget, or an anniversary, or birthday party, or conference, lecture, holiday, coach trip, conference, etc, etc, simply hire a screaming child and the job is done. Hire a Screaming Child will even book you a seat directly behind or beside your target on long distance flights so that you can score a direct and sustained hit. And you won't get arrested for it either. You can book your screaming child on the internet too. Winner or what?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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