Written by Inchcock
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Thursday, 10 February 2011

All the below are genuine signs noted by people throughout the UK.

Sign in a launderette:
Automatic washing machines - please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign in a London department store:
The Bargain Basement is now upstairs.

Outside a farm in Nottinghamshire:
Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself.

In a Security Company office:
After taking drinks, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door in Ruddington, Nott's:
This is the gate of heaven.
Enter ye all by this door.
Scibbled in marker pen below - 'This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.'

Outside a secondhand shop in Leeds:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio in London:
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco in Derby:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome!

Sign warning of quicksand on Dartmoor:
'Quicksand' - Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire Parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window in Oldham:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on the MI motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is!
Very topical this one at the moment!

Notice in Huddersfield health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

Seen during a Sure-start conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in Ruddington Village field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a Volunteers leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a Kwik-Fit counter desk:
We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the other door - the bell doesn't work)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. please use floor below.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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