I recently was in discussion with another user of this twatty website on the topic of pangolins destroying his garden shed.
Naturally - I being a human male with a beating heart after all - I was struck by the pain and suffering that such events can inflict on another male human. With a heart.
I vowed right then and there to offer instruction in making a shelter.
A shelter from the storm of adversity and terror that only a psychotic pangolin can inflict on the world.
In short, here are some tips on shelter building.
What you need:
-Trees, branches and leaves (these come with the trees, usually)
-Stones (big ones about the size of a pangolin…or your foot)
-String, twine,….or if you're really desperate you can use the sinews from an animal of clumps of hair knotted together.
-Skill at playing cards…this will be explained in due course.
-A Knife (preferably a large one that Crocodile Dundee would approve of)
-Hands for doing stuff with. You can improvise by using your feet and toes if you feeling especially frisky.
-A human brain - preferably one that is in your own skull and in good condition (ie: not dead)
-Love: for only love will keep you warm on a cold winters night.
-Fire: in case you are a miserable, ugly bastard who doesn't stand a chance at love and is in need of keeping warm on a cold winters night.
-The will to live.
What to do:
First a bit of general info on where to build your shelter.
If you live in a house you might as well not bother; you're in a house, why would you need a shelter?
So, a shelter is only really needed when you have no house or your garden shed has been destroyed by a pangolin.
Now lets look at places where you shouldn't build a shelter:
-The bottom of a hole.
-Under a tree out in the open or a single tree standing alone on a hillside. This will attract lightening and probably end up getting you killed, silly.
-In a cave occupied by a bear, monster, ghost, or The Krankies.
-Right next to a river. Insects will drive you crazy there.
Have a look around and make sure there are available trees otherwise you will just end up building a shelter in your imagination.
Check the direction of the prevailing wind. You can do this by pissing in the wind and seeing if your trousers get wet or not.
You should build the entrance to your shelter facing away from the wind.
So you've chosen your site and are ready to build.
First you need to clear the ground so that it is smooth enough to build on.
Not too smooth: that could attract the feared 'Farangi Marai' - the mythical beast that preys on stupid fuckers who smooth the ground too much.
Common rule of thumb:
- Smooth enough that you can sit on ground and not feel uncomfortable = Good.
- Smooth as a baby's arse = Bad; attracts the Fargangi Marai.
Make a wall of stones in a circular formation.
Make sure to balance them carefully by putting larger, flat ones at the bottom and working upwards (this relates to the reference earlier to being good at cards and particularly at building a house of cards).
The higher the wall the more headroom you will have inside your shelter and the happier you will be in theory.
If you are a midget then you obviously don't need to make the wall too high.
Fill in any gaps between the rocks with mud and bits of grass (not the illegal kind) to provide secure weatherproof protection.
You should make a drainage run-off channel.
This just helps prevent you getting your feet wet.
Scrape or dig out a pathway on the lower ground level next to your shelter.
Next you will build the roof.
Find some strong straight (not gay) branches and lay them across the top of the wall.
These will be your roof beams.
Next you need to collect thinner branches and lay them crossways on top of the main beams and then layer more branches diagonally on top of them also.
Tie these branches in place with rope/twine/hair/braided grass so as to stop them blowing away or being eaten by rabid herbivores (the hungry bastards!).
If you should discover that you are surrounded by bamboo's then you should use them.
Follow this procedure:
-Cut down the bamboo but be careful as they can be sharp and you could do some real damage to yourslef.
-Cut the bamboo stems into 'branches' of about 6 or 7 feet long (approx)
-Now, slice them down the middle, lengthways.
-Lay down a row of these bamboo stems at a slight angle (so as to allow rainwater to run off). The bamboos should be touching (ooer!)and all facing the same way - curve side upwards like a drainpipe.
-Now the clever part: layer another row of bamboo shoots on top of these facing the other way around - curved side upwards. They should interlink tightly with the lower layer.
-Tie the bamboos into place with string/rope/hair/a dogs tongue.
-You now have a waterproof shelter and don't need to bother with any of the other shit I describe below…..unless you really want to make a crappy door for your shithole faux home!
If it rains you will be fucked so you need to waterproof that crappy roof now.
Pluck - I said 'PLUCK', not that bold word - some foliage and ferns and any other stuff you can find and thread them through your branches.
Now, when you have done this, you should dig up clods of turf and layer them on top as well.
Pack them nice and tight to make it as waterproof as you can.
Also, make sure to make the roof overhang the doorway by about a foot (12 inches) so that the rain (when it falls) drips off away from your lovely little shelter.
Have a break. You deserve it, ya big lug.
Get the fuck up! You're not finished yet!
Lets make a little door for your shelter.
You need to keep the thing ventilated so don't go sealing up all the exits or else you could suffer from carbon monoxide poisoning.
YOU COULD DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, the door……………we will make it in a wattle & daub fashion: basically we just criss-cross thin braches in a weave pattern and then plaster them with mud.
Put your door in place when done and go take a picture of your shelter on your camera phone and show to everyone how bloody sad you are.
It'll give them a good laugh!
You didn't think this shelter was gonna turn you into a ladies man, did you?
Ah, come on…….
But I'll tell you this: you'll be safe enough from pangolins and that's what really matters.