Written by lotta cash
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Friday, 28 January 2011

image for My Life on Facebook Some of my friends can't be found. Can I find him on facebook

I have 560 friends on face book and growing. In my real life I have 3. My 560 friends live in really interesting places and have very interesting jobs and hair styles. My real friends are Accountants and Teachers and live in Tempalouge. In turn each of them has hundreds of friends…. well some of them only have 6. But their probably out a lot, therefore they don't have the chance to meet people on line.

Some of my friends are not real people their pubs or places. For instance I have being accepted as a friend of the Dropping Well pub in Milltown…it keeps inviting me to things. But I don't live near so I don't go there…..I'm also a friend of an armature dramatic society in a suburb of Bristol. It sounds really good but it's been difficult to become actively involved, as I live in Dublin.

In my face book life I have the choice of a full and satisfying social life. In real life I can't even find someone to have lunch with, maybe I masticate too much. I get a least five invites a day to interesting events, party's; first nights of plays, art instillations and various salacious happenings. I am invited to announce my intention to attend or not attend. I usually tease my imaginary audience by pressing the "maybe" button. That way giving the impression that either I'm couth up in such a social whirl at I don't in fact know where I'll be next Tuesday at eight or I am actually thinking about going. It also gives no forewarning to people thinking about going but trying to avoid me, thus causing them stress. I love playing head games like that. Sometimes I have no intention of going but don't want to offend. Like when I get a friend request from someone I don't like or someone I think will look uncool on my list of friends there by reflecting badly on me by being present with the pictures of all my other friends. You know the type. those who think it's the height of hilarity and irony to have a picture of a super hero or worse still an action holiday picture that makes you feel totally in adequate, "me at base camp six of the Igor" .. Doing it for the kids or some disease no one can spell. I don't put pictures on my face book. I don't do action holidays, I always forget to take photos while on holiday, I don't know how to download them, I feel it's intrusive and I also don't want the CIA to have ownership of my personal memories, Just in case they use it against me later.

Last year, while in Paris I did toy with the idea of climbing the Ifol tower to get a photo of me hanging veraciously with a random American in the back ground. But it was too windy and I hadn't being to the loo. I tend not to do things worth photographing I don't hill walk, I don't scrotal, I don't like panoramic views of fields and I don't drink, generally speaking I tend not to move, I have no extended family to speak of .

I do have 560 friends but I don't meet them in real life and therefore have no photos of us falling round drunk in Ibitia or at a friends wedding who at the age of 46 went to the Dominican Republic to marry a 52 year old bald, divorced, Plummer she met on the internet….well actually I do have pictures of that …..but she's divorced now…turns out he wasn't really a Plummer.

I keep getting suggestions for people I might know. I'm never comfortable with this as it seems a bit forward and suggests theses people may be a bit desperate so I just hit ignore.. then I spend the rest of the day feeling guilty that I didn't try to reach out to them and accept their offer of friendship. It just worry's me that they could be perverts or drug addicts. Then they'll turn up at one of the many events I get invited to and really want to be my friend. You know they might want to start visiting your house, or talk to you directly. Next thing they'd start wanting to use you loo.
I am on face book so if you want to be my friend send a request... With a picture I'll have a look.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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