Written by Skoob1999
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Tags: Nostalgia, TV

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

image for Up The Buses! Up The Buses! And Crumpet!

(Or - some TV shows should never be rehashed - because they were so dire in the first place.)

UP THE BUSES!

Cast:

Mum Butler - an old bid who is as daft as a brush.

Stan Butler - an ageing lothario who most women wouldn't give a second glance. Hair loaded with Brylcreem. Obsessed with 'crumpet,' A bus driver.

Olive - Stan's sister. A bit of a growler who's obviously desperate for a portion - of ANYTHING!

Arthur - Olive's husband. Grumpy bastard who works on the railways and sponges off the Butler family.

Jack - Stan's partner. A bus conductor with a face modelled on a really ugly horse. Also obsessed with 'crumpet.'

Blakey - the bus inspector - a miserable lanky cunt with a face like a slapped arse. A proper Jobsworth.

Melissa Tigbits - bus conductress (Clippy, Crumpet) short skirt, wiggly arse - daft cockney accent. TAPS (Thick As Pigshit)

ACT ONE: SCENE ONE

The Butler dining room as the family sit down to dinner - minus Stan, shortly to enter.

Sound effect - front door slams.

Mum - Coo-ee! Is that you Stan?

Stan (Offscreen) - Yes. It's me mum.

Mum - You're late for your tea.

ENTER STAN - CUE CANNED APPLAUSE

Stan - I know mum. I had to work the cemetery route to make me hours up - over the five hours I got docked last week for chasing crumpet.

Mum - Ooh you are a one our Stan. Always chasing the crumpet. It's time you grew out of that and settled down.

Stan - Wish I could Mum, but you know what it's like when a young sprightly chap like me gets a whiff of crumpet.

Olive - (wistfully) - I wish my Arthur would get the smell of crumpet up his nostrils. Occasionally. I mean, it's not like I ask for much out of life.

Arthur - Would you mind not referring constantly to crumpet all the time? Especially at the dinner table. I find it distasteful.

Stan - Well, you would, being married to our Olive - she's enough to put a bloke off crumpet for life!

CUE CANNED LAUGHTER.

CLOSE UP SHOT OF A CLEARLY AGITATED ARTHUR.

Arthur - That's just about the sort of smutty innuendo I'd expect from you, Stan. (contemptuously) You really are a low life.

Stan - Yeah Arthur, but at least I can raise me game when it comes to crumpet. (CUE CANNED LAUGHTER) Which is more than you can do by all accounts!

Olive - Tell me about it...

Stan - What's for dinner mum?

Mum - I got you a kipper!

Stan - Blimey mum! Crumpet all day and a kipper for tea! Spoiling me you are!

CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED LAUGHTER

Mum brings Stan his kipper - it resembles a piece of charred wood on his plate.

Stan - Gor blimey mum! What the heck's this? I'll never be able to keep up wiv all the crumpet on a diet like this!

Arthur - We have to put up with it! It's all we can afford.

Stan - Exactly mate. And that's why you don't chase all the bleedin' crumpet! You can't keep alert eating this muck!

Olive - My Arthur couldn't keep alert if you fed him oysters for a month! He still wouldn't be looking for crumpet. He'd be looking for a fish tank or something.

Mum - I'm sorry Stan, if kippers gets in the way of your crumpet agenda, but it's the best we can do with the money we've got coming in.

Stan - I can't be livin' my crumpet based existence on a diet like this. How long have you had this kipper in the cupboard mum?

Mum - Sixty nine days, I think, Stan.

Stan - Sixty nine blinkin' days! No wonder I'm slowin' up in the crumpet stakes! Cor blimey! We needs to work out our finances or summink. I can't have me crumpet based ambitions undermined like this! Arthur - you'll have to put a bit more in mate!

Olive - I've been tellin' him that for years...

CUE CANNED LAUGHTER

Arthur - I do my best...

Stan - No wonder Olive complains, Arthur. You're not up to much in the crumpet stakes, are you old son?

CUE CANNED LAUGHTER AS ARTHUR SQUIRMS IN EMBARRASSMENT.

Off camera - a knock on the door.

Mum - Who's that?

Stan - I dunno ma - can't see from here!

Stan goes off camera to the door. He re-enters the room with Jack.

CUE HYSTERICAL CANNED APPLAUSE FOR THE HORSE FACED LOTHARIO

Jack - Allo Stan. Evenin' all.

Stan - Hello Jack - what can I do for you mate?

Jack - Well, what it is mate, I thought we might go out for a couple of pints, nab a cod and chips, and maybe cop off with some crumpet!

Stan - Cod's good. But not blinkin' kippers! And if there's crumpet on the menu, count me in me old mucker.

Jack - I thought you'd be tempted by the crumpet.

Stan - Jack, you wonky faced git - at our age, if you prefer kippers to crumpet, you have issues.

Jack - Too right mate. Let's get out there and work on the crumpet!

Stan - You coming too Arthur?

Olive - I should be so lucky.

CUE CANNED LAUGHTER.

CLOSE.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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