Written by anthonyrosania
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Friday, 14 January 2011

image for If You Were Born in Early December, Your Zodiac Sign is Now a Penis With Eyes ABOVE: Actor Billy Zane

So, some a--hole has decided that, because of a change in the universe, and global warming and all, the zodiacs have changed.

In fact, now there are 13 signs. This new one is called Ophiuchus, which was named for Imhotep, the guy Billy Zane played in The Mummy*. The zodiac sign for Ophiuchus is a bald snake, again patterned after Billy Zane.

Scorpio is now 6 days long, and all of the other signs now overlap at least one day.

I had to explain to my five-year-old that she is no longer a Virgo. So, she must stop being modest, shy, meticulous and reliable, and instead must immediately become pompous, patronizing, bossy, dogmatic and intolerant, like all of us Leos.

And, if you were born in early December, your Zodiac sign is now a penis with eyes. Like Billy Zane.

* Wait, it's not Billy Zane? What's an Arnold Vosloo?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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