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Thursday, 13 January 2011

image for Shylock Humes: The case of the missing Isle of Wight Shylock, not finding the Isle of Wight

Shylock, stood on the deck of HMS Arch Rumble. His stomach lay on the sea, wiping his mouth, he turned to the bridge.

The Helmsman's face showed white through the porthole.

Captain Horatio Belton approached the vomit covered Shylock.

"Ya got no sea legs me lad!" He bellowed.

Shylock steaded himself, "I have recieved a telegram about the missing Isle of Wight"

"Yes", the captain assured, "We lost it the other day, and until the fog lifts, we can not set sail"

Shylock looked up at the Helmsman, who's face showed white through the porthole. "Do you mean we are still at birth?"

Captain Horatio looked confused. "Why would you mention a stillbirth, are you a doctor?"

"No"! Shouted Shylock. "I meant, are we not at sea?"

Captain Horatio, put his huge arms around Shylocks shoulders, and then his legs. "No, me mamby pamby land lubber! we is not at sea, we are on the sea, but not moving"

Shylock looked a bit bemused. "So the reason we are not moving, is because the fog has obscured the Isle of Wight"

"Thats right, me old maty"; Answered the Captain. "when the fog lifts, we set sail for the Isle of Wight".

"So, the Isle of Wight is not missing then", Sighed Shylock.

"Good god no"! Shouted the Captain, "You might as well fuck off and get those land lallies back underneath you".

And so, Shylock did indeed fuck off, and with his land lallies, intact, went on to solve another case.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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