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Monday, 3 January 2011

image for Coming January 28, 2011: Lock, Stock And Two Balding Mechanics We get murdered before we leave the building, and I imagine we get fed to the pigs.

For 2011, the hottest movie from Xerox Guy Ritchie Studios will be is "Lock, Stock And Two Balding Mechanics", starring Jason Statham and Ben Foster, the Down's Syndrome sufferer who played Angel in the X-Men movies. It is a remake of a Charles Bronson film that no one alive today ever watched.

Spoiler Alert!

London?

Avi: Eighty-six carats.
Rosebud: Where?
Avi: London.
Rosebud: London?
Avi: London.
Avi's Colleague: London?
Avi: Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins... LONDON.

Arthur Bishop (Jason Statham) is a 'mechanic', who, with his friends Soap, Tom and Eddie put together £100,000 to play in Boris the Bullet-Dodger's high-stakes three card brag game.

When Bishop's mentor Harry The Hatchet is murdered, Bishop and Tommy travel to Pikeytown to buy a caravan from the guy from Ocean's 11.

His mission grows complicated when Harry's Down's Syndrome son Steve (Ben Foster) approaches him with the same vengeful goal and a determination to save Sting's bar. Bishop has always acted alone but he can't turn his back on Harry's son. Then Happy, the retard and Bullet-tooth Tony go in pursuit of their ultimate mark: An 84-carat diamond that Frankie Four Fingers hid in a dog for safekeeping.

Later, Bishop and the 'tard stumble across Amber, a 60ish former musician who is marooned on an island during a cruise from Greece to Italy, when her shrill voice and lack of acting ability drives Tom to shoot her in the face with 2 valuable shotguns, which he throws into the River Thames. Bishop and the waterhead are caught and summarily killed by their nemesis via a righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent.

Lock, Stock And Two Balding Mechanics will begin disappointing moviegoers January 28, 2011.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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