Written by David F Mayer
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 7 August 2006

image for CIA Develops New Anti-Terrorism Gas CIA Test Fires Anti Terrorist Rocket

Fort Detrieck, Maryland -- The Central Intelligence Agency today announced the development of a new chemical weapon that works against terrorism. Agent AT (Anti Terrorism) is a chemical that is specifically absorbed by that part of the brain, the RAGE (Rapid Anger Ganglion Elongation) that was discovered only last year by researcher at Harvard Medical School. Using MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) upon captured terrorists flown in from Guantanamo Bay Naval Base, the researchers at Harvard, led by Dr Harold Flitbaum, found that nearly all of them had a greatly enlarged RAGE center, some ten times as large as found in normal persons. In normal persons, the RAGE center is involved in anger emotions, but is usually inhibited by other centers in the hypothalamus. In terrorists, the RAGE center has hypertrophied to an extent that makes inhibition impossible.
Using the information revealed by the Harvard study, CIA biochemists found a substance that inhibited the RAGE center almost completely, without significant side effects, at least on monkeys. When given forcibly to terrorists (since nobody gives a damn if they volunteer or not), the results were striking. The terrorists calmed down at once. Some of them even wanted to get regular jobs.
The effect is long-lasting, taking at between 100 and 150 hours to wear off. There seems to be, in addition, some residual long-term effect as well.
The CIA quickly turned over samples of the substance, a white powder whose composition is secret, to its Chemical Weapons Division. The CWD found that the substance was readily soluble in ethyl alcohol. The alcohol solution could be dispersed by low-temperature bursting of sodium azide from thin-walled canisters attached to artillery rockets, forming a heavier-than-air mist. When this mist was inhaled by other terrorists in simulated field conditions, the effects were as desired. The terrorists ceased making trouble and sat down to play cards.
The CIA has weaponized several tons of this material in artillery shells to be tested in combat conditions in Afghanistan. A CIA spokesperson, who withheld his name, stated that the material was not toxic, and hence was not covered by treaties on toxic chemical weapons. The material is also being tested in mental hospitals to control violent patients.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top ^