Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

image for The Real Reasons Why General George Armstrong Custer and His Seventh Cavalry Were Massacred At The Battle of The Little Big Horn Singing Woodpecker, a direct descendant of Hunkpapa Lakota Sioux Chief Sitting Bull.

Noted Old West military historian Van Buren Watertree has just published his latest book entitled The Unsugarcoated Truth About George Armstrong Custer And His Seventh Cavalry Troops At The Battle of The Little Bighorn.

Watertree has uncovered ten never before known facts why Custer and his Seventh Cavalry were massacred in 1876 in Montana, at what has come to be known as Custer's Last Stand.

1. The 7th Cavalry Crow Indian scouts got falling down drunk on tequila (Sourdough Margaritas) on the night before the massacre and ended up taking a left at the Little Bighorn River instead of the right that they were supposed to have taken.

2. General Custer had made a cruel remark to a reporter for the Missoula (Montana) Morning Shouter newspaper one week prior to the massacre. The reporter, identified as Bicky Tracklarkin, 47, wrote that Custer said that Chief Sitting Bull's eldest unmarried daughter, Prancing Possum, 31, had a face that only a mama buffalo could love.

3. The Miniconjou Sioux Indian braves wanted the neat looking blue cavalry caps that the 7th Cavalry soldiers wore.

4. Chief Crazy Horse, of the Oglala Lakota Sioux, hated long-haired blondes and he vowed to make George "Blondie" Custer pay for saying that he was one 'crazy ass' redskin.

5. The Indians owned America and they resented the effen hell out of Custer and his white troops just waltzing in and taking over like they owned the friggin place.

6. Hunkpapa Lakota Sioux Chief Rain-In-The-Face did not appreciate Custer's cooks making disrespectful references to the Arapaho ho's and the Navaho ho's.

7. Custer had remarked to some friendly Mohawks from New York that he was going to kick Cheyenne Chief Two Moons' loincloth-wearing ass all the way up to Alaska.

8. The Brulé Sioux tribe did not like the stupid Sioux knock-knock jokes that Custer's troops were always telling the Crow scouts.

9. An Arapaho medicine man, Milk Cow Missing Its Udder, said that he overheard Custer bragging to his bugler about having kicked the 'injun' butts of the Cleveland Indians, the Atlanta Braves, and the Kansas City Chiefs and that they (the Arapaho's were effen next).

10. All of the Northern Indian tribes had asked the United States government to build them gambling casinos but instead all they got were third-rate reservations with cheap, used tee-pees and wigwams that leaked.

Van Buren Watertree is married to Little Yummy Beaver, the great, great granddaughter of Kiowa Assistant Chief Bison With War Paint On Pecker.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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