Written by Emily Fitzpatrick
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Wednesday, 21 June 2006

Chavvies, townies, scroats, dillholes, kevs, neds, scallies, pikies, hardos” and “jippos”… these are just a few of the names of which the scum of the earth have acquired over the years in many different cities, towns and villages in this “marvellous” country that we inhabit. These non-educated delinquent, drop-outs have only obtained these names through their fecklessness, mindless violence and BAD TASTE!

The attire that these delinquents see it obligatory to wear is a laughing matter on its own without the attitude and intellectual level to go with it; the white “trackies”, socks pointlessly pulled up over their even more pointless leg wear. Surely the only evidence needed to show anyone that pikies are not humans is their ‘Bling’ this unmistakably showing that they are part breeds … a cross between humans and magpies drawn like magnets to metal, attracted to any thing shiny but definitely inexpensive unless and this not being outrageous they have the tendency to pocket anything that takes their fancy, the sporting of this awful love for all that shines of course a mandatory requirement for the up and coming chav or chavette the cheep looking gold chains drooped from their necks! The pinnacle of this sickening “getup” being of course the one item of clothing without which no-one can be written off as a scally, this evidently being the Burberry cap, of course certainly fake, as the average price of a real Burberry cap would cost the normal Ned a years salary from their job at Mc Donald’s, even if this ghastly item does top the 10 commandments of how to live a chav’s life.

My own personal motive for the hatred I retain towards these antisocial, non-educated, failures is their lack of understanding of the world in which we inhabit, they seem unable to empathise with anyone even when they subsequently offended or even wounded the individual usually unlike themselves, not a chav and probably reacted to an uneducated insult such as the all time classic “Wa’ ya lookin’ at??” they become offended if words with over two syllables are used, in fact they will dash in the other direction, so that is one of many ways to keep these pests at bay! Another reason for the bitter disgust I feel is, as I’m sure you will have guessed their appalling lack of fashion sense… why on Earth do they insist on wearing track suits? When in most cases it is, to put it bluntly, apparent just by looking at most of them that they would not participate in any sporting activities for love or money! For example Vicky Pollard although she is without doubt a stereotypical chav she does sum up the fact that they… to put it nicely…have plenty of insulation to keep them warm!

Do you know what CHAV first stood for? ... Well I will tell you… Council, Housed And Violent! Yes... that’s where the word originally came from it was a term the police used; it got accepted by the general public probably for the simple reason that this is what they are!

Can anyone exclaim that if faced with a “crew” of dillholes they would not be staring death in the face!
On a more comprehendible level ASBO has been added to the dictionary as an “acronym of anti-social behaviour order” this is due to the fact that more and more jippos are receiving these “lovely” gifts from the police, the only problem being that even with this so called punishment there has been no affect on these law-breakers in fact for them it is seen as a first-class ticket to street cred and is a desired item.
The epicenter of chav life is undisputably the shopping mall, you cannot step inside one for less than a second without laying eyes on at least 10 all huddled in a dark corner like rats running from the light… They intimidate the weak, although they are the weak. And if you do have the luck to see one stranded scallie, please don’t feel intimidated - or refrain, as they only hunt in packs… it is not just your desire, it is your duty to heckle them, shout abuse, throw any rubbish you have to hand - they are the scum of this world, this needs to be realised. When they don’t have their ‘possy’ they are helpless and weak.

To experience chav life all you need to do is master the not so difficult art of “chavviness”;…the first thing that needs to be mastered is the accent… and of course it goes without saying that no received pronounciation should be used and ‘T’s’ should definitely be hurled out of the window! Secondly if you wish to become a chavette your hair must be bleached.. although it is quite reasonable that you would not wish to do so therefore a cheap wig should be surficient, chavs aren’t very bright and shouldn’t be able to tell the difference!! Definitely buy a track suit of course not to do sporting activities, just to look cool! The cap is an essensial item that no chav or chavette would ever be seen without, so make sure you have one.. it must contain a logo of any sort or the cheap looking check that is not to be named! Make sure you have a sufficient amount of bling… this not being as expensive as it would first sound as it has to be cheep looking else you just wont fit in! You must stand, stumbling on a corner of a councill estate with a can of white lightning in one hand whilst using the other to unreasonably throtall an innocent bystander for mearly glancing at them! … You may ask “what is the point of this?” …. Well… it is to illustrate how pointless and dumb these delinquents really are…BUT BEWARE as if you are feeling daring and proceede with this act please, please, please be careful as if you are spotted by a scroat your life will be endangered!

As Shakespeare once asked… what is in a name? meaning that names don’t have any influence on personality.. I’m sorry but I beg to differ… And so do many teachers, they have spoken out to the world about the names that they dread being on their register at the start of tearm… of corse these being the all time CHAV CHILD names… Adrienne spiteful, sly or both!, Alanna, Ashleigh, Britney, Candice, Chantelle… spawn of the devil! Chelsie or Chloe, vicious and spiteful. These are the most dreaded names… and for good reason, they are quite obviously the offspring of chavs and chavettes everywhere… well at least it can be said that chavs must have a pretty good sense of humour!!… Now tell me that there’s nothing in a name! I’m sure Shakespeare was right in his time, but should society really have changed this much? Should we dread meeting somebody just by hearing their name? Dread the attitude of the litters of these vicious, vile, violent, dogs?

There is only one foreseeable solution to this ever growing dilemma… Corporal punishment, to stop others offending. Whilst ridding this scum from society it will amuse the non-chavs among us - What? You ask… Well if looked at, the problem has already been addressed by many groups, with the introduction of banning hoodies in public places! - Shopping malls banning groups’ larger than three roaming their corridors!

The punishments should vary- on the extremity of the offence committed, for example; sporting a fake Burberry item is an extreme offence and should be taken very seriously, along with the use of phrases such as “init man”, “mint”, “heavy” and so on, that all dillholes see it as fundamental to practise, they speak their own undecipherable language, only accessible to the jipos themselves! A minor offence would be wearing “bling” items such as heavy gold chains (off a market for the measly sum of £1.50… and this would be them pushing the boat out)

For the offence of sporting a fake Burberry item the most aprropriate punishment would be to have the cheap looking check branded agonisingly over their foreheads, infront of the non-chavs among us for our amuzement…also to stop these delinquent drop-outs from ever escaping the stereotype of this ridiculas “fashion” if this word is even slightly linked with their stomach-churning sense in clothes, clothes should be respectable, clean and neat.. all of the things that these delinquents clothes are not.. they have and do nothing to be proud of although I belive that given the time to pull these anti-social, criminals back into the relms of respectability the younger among them could fluresh! We need to totally stamp these creeps out from society to allow this to become reality!

There is no need to fear as these imbaciles will not of understood a single word of this as they failed to recieve any form of education.. and, therefore struggle to understand the simplest of phrases such as “ sometimes I really don’t know whether I should laugh at you or pity you!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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