Written by George Bush
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Thursday, 20 April 2006

image for Eliminate the Rainforest Stuffed animal prototypes

Way back when, there existed a paradise home to over half the known species. A blanket of green gently enriched our planet with mystical plants, trees, and shrubs that even the lowly of species, such as a harvest spider, devotedly dwelled in the enamored beauty of these lands. This paradise exists today to which we refer to as the rainforest. From Central America, the Amazon, Africa, to Southern Asia, these forests still dwell on 6% of our planet.
However, one question vexes my conscious. If only 6% of the rainforest survived, wouldn’t prudence be practiced by eliminating the forests altogether? The logical fallacy in sending aid devoted to preserving these lands is tantamount to investing heaps of money toward a community park in some remote ghost town! Perhaps, we should evaluate the facts. The rainforests had its’ time of glory. Their 15 minutes of fame has ended long ago. Not only are American taxpayers deserving of a retroacted return of money, I believe Americans are entitled to profit off this elimination.
My solution is to simply uproot the rainforests, and replace with artificial trees and stuffed animals. If America burdens the sole financial responsibility in funding this project, then America will be the sole profiteers from the tourism sector. Many business sectors such as tourism, investors, corporations, and governmental agencies have displayed trends of interests in man made projects. From Stonehenge, the pyramids, King Tut, to modern marvels such as Hoover Dam, the Panama Canal, and the TV remote control, the man made craze appears constant and dependable. Due to the mass interests in this artificial crap, is there any question to why the previous business sectors would be eagerly inclined to invest in my proposal?
At this time, I would like to address the potential problems, expressed from the liberal community, which may arise in implementing this project. However, due to the fact that liberal thinking causes cancer, I must limit my attention to only a moderate amount when addressing their concerns.
One problem expressed is that when the rainforests have been completely leveled, then the oxygen supply on Earth would literally decrease by 40%. My solution to this problem is to simply mandate all people, with the exception of smokers, to have 40% of their lungs removed. Decreasing our own lung capacity in conjunction with eliminating the Earth’s oxygen supply will level out the breathing deficiency. Where will all the inhabited species be relocated? They will not be relocated, just amalgamated. My proposal encompasses a wildlife zoo within each site. Finally, how can the continuation of medicines, provided by rainforests, be preserved? I intend to sell the trees, responsible for providing the medicine, to nurseries around the United States. These trees can then be purchased by Americans, and planted into their backyard garden for easy access to needed medicine. Thank you!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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