Written by birbee
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Tags: The Spoof

Monday, 1 November 2010

image for Chapter 24: Time and Relative Dimension in Space

"Excuse me, does anybody know what that dreadful sound is?"


Major General jaggedone was cut off in mid-flow as the sound got louder and louder, or maybe closer and closer.
It was an eerie sound, a sort of a whoosing noise and it seemed to be very nearby.

All of a sudden it appeared.

One minute there was just an empty beach, empty save for the gasping, bedraggled ne'er-do-wells that made up the Maj-Gen's band of spoofer/pirate combinations plus Queen Mudder and Charpa, the next minute there was a faded blue Police phone box standing there.

"Fuck me, it's that nerdy Doctor bloke," Skoob exclaimed, "he's got to stick his nose into everything hasn't he, the twat."

The door to the phone box opened and a nerdy doctor-like head appeared.
"I say," the nerdy doctor-like head asked, "what are you fellows doing here?
This is supposed to be the Planet Sontar, but you don't look like Sontarans, maybe you are but I don't think so.
You look more like Spoof/Pirate Combinations to me."

There was movement from the damp, moist even, group of spoofer/pirate combinations.
It started with a slow, slight series of movements, merely shifting eyes, but an unspoken message was passed from man to man and from man to woman and from woman to man and from man and woman to Oracle and from.......you get the picture, they all communicated to each other without talking, OK?

Suddenly and without warning, the Spoof/Pirates rushed the booth.
The nerdy doctor type bloke was tossed aside and as one by one the renegades entered the brightly lit blue box.

"Capt Morse, can you fly this beauty?" enquired Col Juan.

"No problem Col," replied Morse, "I once saw an episode on americafree.tv. It was a re-run, but I think I got the jist of it."
"Charpa, we need your fishnet tights wrapped around that valve over there," capt Morse instructed, "whether you take them off or not is up to you, it'll be more fun to watch if you don't, but possibly easier if you do."
"Queenie, as you are the Oracle and therefore the most valuable thing on this vessel, except the vessel itself, find yourself a hidey-hole and hide. I'll sent Materchev to find you when we reach Lancashire."
"Juan, stop looking for Merlot, you'll not find any on this ship, man the levers over there, you may have to pull them at some point, just act on my instruction."
"Jean, Skoob Vic, Nick and the rest of you that are out of my line of vision, keep an eye out for obstructions, you never know what may get in the way."
"And birbee, stop snivelling and out your goddam phone down."

Once everyone was in position, Capt Morse stood in the centre of the Tardis and turned a dial, pulled a lever and tapped a vial of green liquid and once more the sound returned.

"Wish I'd brought some sickness tablets," whispered Nick, "methinks this is not going to be fun."

For a split second mayhem reigned, Imelda May was heard in the distance again, and time seemed to stand still.

Then there was a bang, a bump and then silence.

"Right, who's going to be first out?" bellowed Maj-Gen Jaggedone.

Slowly but surely the doors started to open by themselves and the spoofer/pirate/time-travelling combinations stared out into the gloom.............

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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