Written by victor nicholas
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Tags: The Spoof

Sunday, 31 October 2010

image for Chapter 23 - Maj. Gen. Jaggedone's Quest "God and I have been given but one hand to smite this evil"

"Come along now!" Maj. Gen. Jaggedone shouted as his band of irregulars waded ashore gasping.

"We have much work to do to seek out and find the Great Somnambulist of Lancashire, we must not tarry in our quest."

Veterans Captain Morse and Private Birbee nodded gravely to each other in agreement and cried back in one voice.

"You can be sure that we will follow you Gen. Maj. Jaggedone as you lead us, for years now we have suffered too long as our ribald stories have been withheld from review by the Great Somnambulist due to his slumber. We must act now to wake him and bring justice to our land and those that have suffered at his hands from the lack of publishing much mirth that we have penned with our own hands."

Maj. Gen. Jaggedone paused for a moment "Fie, Fie, alas I fight a feckless foe who chooses sleep over battle and gloom over merryment. God and I have been given but one hand to smite this evil. Oh my mind, my conciousness, to be challenged by such cowardice by an adversary who hides behind the sallow disguise of slumber like a fatted hound rather than stand fast in battle clothed for war like a true hero and noble man of England."

"This is no regular battle we fight Gen. Maj." Colonel Juan, the grizzled veteran spoke up. "It is not enough to wake the beast once and declare victory, for his urge to sleep is so great that within a day he will be soundly slumbering again and neglecting his duties to review our literary submissions once more."

"The cursed Somnambulist has great powers it is true yet I know the courage of my men is greater still," Jagedone replied. "Many battle have they fought and many more may stand before us on this task but I know as well as I am a Maj. Gen. that God will be with us."

"We cannot afford to wait any longer Gen. Maj., look here" Charpa cried out as she opened her collar to hushed silence displaying an odd L-shaped scarlet blemish on her neck.

"It is the Mark of Lowton!" Queen Mudder exclaimed.

"We must act now! The first blow has been struck, we have been taken off guard. The pestilence is spreading, within a day Charpa too will also be fast asleep and no ointment or incantation can stop it. The Opus Dei Somnambulist scourge is unfolding as we speak."

Jean Le Fete stepped forward, "While our enemy is strong we are stronger yet. We must be brave and stand as one behind Maj. Gen. Jaggedone who will guide us in this quest. Tell us now as our leader so we might follow."

The wise Gen. Maj. Jagedone stood tall and slowly began waving his arms as he addressed his troops.

"We will use great circle navigation to go from here to there and reach the grey hills of Lancashire. If we miss our mark we will carry on in a general circular pattern until we arrive back at our starting point hence avoiding misguidance and regaining our starting point allowing us more than one opportunity to capture our adversary. It will be just a matter of time before we have him in our grasp. As we have no maps we will wait until nightfall to travel to confuse our enemy and keep him on equal footing with our lack of knowledge of the land."

"Excuse me, does anybody know what that dreadful sound is?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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