In a statement that will shock the world Gordon Brown has said he will not be going to take part in the Commonwealth Games in Delhi.
I am withdrawing from the High Jump and the Long Jump. I have seen shit in the pit you jump into and I have had enough shit to last me a lifetime.
I asked him if he had asked Tony Blair for advice before taking his remarkable decision.
Tony is one of my best friends and I talk to him almost every day. We sometimes differ but what are friends for?
Do you think the Queen will be happy that you are not for the High Jump?
The Queen and I are firm friends and she understands why I made this decision in the national interest.
But your Long Jump is the finest in the land. We will be lost without it.
True but jumping into a sewer is not my idea of fun.
Other members of the Scottish squad may follow Brown's example. I spoke to David and Nick Cameron-Clegg who complained that after all the shit Brown had left them to clear up he should be willing to face up to the result of his motions.
All he has to do is hold his nose when he takes off. The man is letting us all down. Scotland is always out of step with the rest of us and Brown should be sent to the dog house' the Cameron-Cleggs cried in unison.
Gordon Brown: I'd rather have the dog house than the shit hole.
Cameron-Clegg: His name is Brown he shouldn't mind being brown!
That's something coming from them! They cannot take part because there is no competition for people tied together.
It was like being back in the House with the bun fights and the yaboos. Better than the Commonwealth Games any day.