Written by PP Rega
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Saturday, 18 September 2010

image for 10 Sure-Fire Ways to Increase ER Census

ERs across the United States are spending up to $10,000 a month to advertise excellence and wait times and other nonsense. Here are some ideas for attention-grabbing soundbites that might generate more patient visits:

1) We have just the right Oxy-Contin script with your name on it.

2) Our nurses shave their legs

3) Think she's cute? She's yours!

4) Think he's cute? He's yours!

5) Spousal abuse? We don't ask. We don't tell.

6) Peanut-free

7) A blown IV? An NG tube down the lung? The bill's on us.

8) We begin and end each sentence with, "I'm sorry."

9) Rectals? Pinkies only!

10) Pelvic?: We warm the speculum first.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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