Written by Terry McCauley
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Tags: Cars, Driving

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Whenever I'm in Trinketsville, Missouri, my first stop is always SmashItUp car rentals, "for the best deals on wheels." Hint--when you go there, don't be served by the minimum wage flunkies at the front desk, quaffing Folger's and sucking Marlboros while half assedly typing your rental contract. Ask for the manager--Willie Wheelie. An amicable chap, Wheelie became overly friendly with a busty brunette, when renting her a convertible, then asking if she'd like her top down. She bit off his willie. A music buff, Willie responded with a chorus of that great Beatles tune, "It Won't be Long."

Customer relations are foremost at SmashItUp. Weekend specials are thirty cents off--or, for customers whose derriere won't fit any of the rental cars--the "weak end" special. Then, there's the "truck f_ _ _" special, reserved by a loyal customer, Steve Stud. Steve was planning a romantic weekend with his girl friend, Sue Sleaze. In the parking lot, she tried to "dodge" him and he had to "ram" it in. An advocate of "safe" driving, Willie included, at no additional cost, twenty used condoms. Steve and Sue drove to nearby Trashville. They parked and she sat on his lap, giving him a hot engine. But they didn't have sex as he had low transmission fluid.

Willie is a consummate professional. Nonetheless, he allocates much credit to his superb administrative and technical personnel. Secretary Raunchy Roxy entices male clients by staging ad hoc mudwrestling competitions in the waiting area. Mechanic Dick Dipstick was so exuberant when hired, he acquired diaherrea, yet, managed to keep every car in "running" order. You don't "dick" with him, either. Lavatories are in pristine copdition, thanks to janitor P.U. Poop. Willie also boasta an impressive array of corporate clients. The Frankfurt Farting Fraternity, while touring North America, rented five cars and a minivan. They didn't require the minivan, but used it to carry Metamucil. Another prominent organization, Adults for Adultery, generated substantial revenue for Willie, but often cheated when paying their invoice.

Willie ie adamant that no competitor will ever beat his rates. In fact, he once proclaimed, to a skeptical customer that, "I am the manager and can do anything." Sure, Willie. Anything. Could you--

1) Eat a pastrami sandwich and drink apricot juice, singing "Touch Me When We're Dancing" while installing a carburetor.

2) Answer a phone rental inquiry while writing a thousand word dissertation on which is easier, putting the caramel in a Caramilk or getting shit out of a donkey's ass.

3) Donate a coupon for free baconburger to every customer who obtains a speeding ticket while renting.

4) Drive a Chrysler backwards to symbolize the direction of North America's car industry.

5) Offer a free rental to car thieves who promise to drive a Chevy Cobalt into the nearest river.

7) Drunk drivers are eligible for reduction on rental of luxury hearse. Bring your wife and get "his and her" tombstones.

8) Include a new verson of Onstar that enables drivers to converse with hookers in the Zulu Islands.

9) A new electronic device for "hands free" communication while driving is installed in the socks of every renter. It is known as a "smell phone."

10) As advertising, hire a stripper to park in an intersection, performing on the car's roof with the slogan "rent cars from Willie" tattooed on her buttocks.

To efficiently serve customers, the office has H S internet--horse shit. Happy motoring!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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