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Friday, 6 January 2006

image for Resolutions for Living: A Guide to Smart New Years Resolutions Guaranteed to Bring Joy Back  Into Your Life

Ah, New Years Resolutions......
Every year come January first, millions of Americans slam their fists on the table and collectively declare an intent to change. "This is the year, " we all say, "This is it." The first week of any given new year, approxamitely 240,000 perfectly good packs of cigarettes hit the trash, 1.5 million people swear off McDonalds, and an estimated 5.7 million dollars is spent on treadmills, gym memberships and various workout equipment. By February, we decide that an extra value meal here or there won't hurt, we're smoking two packs a day not one, and that non-refundable treadmill has found a new home in the dark corner of the basement. We beat ourselves to death over it. "How did I let this happen, I was doing so well! I haven't smoked in two and a half hours!" We make excuses. "I'm just too damn busy, that's what it is. Too busy. Who has time to go to the gym when Law and Order's on 17 times a week?"
Citizens of America, enough already! Why make resolutions that you know you can't keep? A recent study by Dr. Phulefshyt from Northern-Western Lower Midwest University found that breaking new years resolutions is incredibly taxing on your mental health. Phulefshyt found that 75% of the 60% of Americans who make new years resolutions break them by mid-February. Of these 75%, 57% suffer from mild depression because of it! "They can't handle the failure," Phulefshyt says. "People today have so much pressure in their everyday lives. Why make it worse by putting lofty, unrealistic demands, such as "not eating fast food" on yourselves? We live in a time where it is becoming increasingly important to find a way to feel good about yourself, not bring yourself down. Mental health is just as important as physical health, if not more so. Living with guilt isn't living."
With the advice of Dr. Phulefshyt in mind, I have decided to share my new years resolutions with you. It is my hope that 2006 will be a year of less pressure, a year of living life for me! I hope you will join me in my crusade to live life to the fullest, and I urge you to add any of your own resolutions as you see fit.

Krista's 2006 New Year's Resolutions

1. Start Smoking (It really takes the edge off!)
2. Gain Fifty Pounds (Enough already with the emaciated celebrities. I'd like to be able to enjoy a 1/2 pound angus burger with out the guilt)
3.Never work past happy hour. (You'r not being payed for that extra hour are ya? What are you waitin' for, they've got a nice tall cold one for $1.50 down the street. Sure beats filing.)
4. Spend that Retirement Money! ("Aruba, Jamaica, ooh, I want to take ya..." What, you think you'll really be able to enjoy all that money when you have alzheimers and arthritis? Let your kids pay for your retirement home, that's why you had them in the first place.)
5.Catch up on your TV. (There are a lot of good shows on now that you could be missing when you're at the gym. Case in point, "Trading Spouses." Now that's quality.)
6.Start Gambling. (Why work, when you can make more playing poker? Bonus: free drinks at the casinos. Now that's what I call a livin'.)

I wish all of you readers the best of luck as you embark on a brand new year. I'm up to a pack and a half a day already and I've never felt better. Remember: Living with guilt isn't living!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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