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Thursday, 19 August 2010

image for Amy Winehouse Gave My GPS Unit AIDS!

I used to have a Harmon-Kardon GPS unit. I mean, I still have it, but Amy Winehouse gave it AIDS.

Now, Harmon-Kardon is well-known for their audio equipment, and that is exactly why I bought a H-K GPS unit.

GPS Magazine reviewed my GPS, and its verdict is, "Not Bad. Not Great. Plays Videos."

Indeed, it is the "Not Great" and "Plays Videos" aspects that have sent me to electronics stores to purchase the 810's successor.

I wanted a solution to my wife's audio reproduction issue in her Chrysler Town and Country Baby-mover. The van came with the Premium stereo, an Infinity unit that plays cassettes and CDs.

The problem was, of course, that no one owns cassettes anymore, the CD player will not playback burned CDs, and sticking an iPod Touch in the cassette slot, strangely enough, does not allow playback of the MP3s therein through the Chrysler's stereo system.

So, the H-K 810 could solve my problem: It plays MP3s with stunningly powerful aplomb, will broadcast said MP3s through the car's stereo via its built-in FM transmitter, and it even plays back videos.

CAUTION: The H-K 810 will not play videos while in GPS mode; load a video, and the GPS menu is inaccessible, which they claim is a safety feature. It's not very safe, I'll have you know, because I then had to break out a conventional map while watching a Bittorrented episode of Law And Order while driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

It's that video playback thing that caused my GPs's death.

Dig, if you will, a picture: I am loading today's gaggle of MP3s onto the SD card I will soon stuff into the ribcage of my HK 810. The Beatles, some System of a Down, and crap like The Laurie Berkner Bank and Kidz Bop Volume 824, just to shut the kiddies up.

I find on my hard drive an avi copy of Amy Winehouse singing "Valerie" on MTV's "The DL"; the only thing more interesting than listening to this amazingly beautiful voice, accompanied by nothing more than a mid-size Martin acoustic guitar, is watching the crack whore from whom the voice eminates, in spectacular High Def.

00:00 - 00:30 - Playback of the Amy Winehouse video is flawless: Rich HD and spectacular sound. I now know why the file was almost 100 megabytes.

00:30 - 01:00 - While the sound never falters, the video begins to look like it is being streamed via a slow internet connection; dropped frames aplenty.

01:00 - 01:15 - Winehouse's voice begins to falter, then a short screech; the video hasn't moved for 15 seconds. Everything is locked-up.

Easy to fix, one'd think: Unplug and restart. Nothing. Just Amy caught mid-warble, looking like someone just goosed her with a badminton racket.

Hard reboot, restart: Amy still looks mildly injured, nothing on the GPS works.

Reset, hard reboot, restart: Even after jamming a piece of steel about as wide as a helium atom into the ridiculously-small reset hole, Amy looks stupid, there is no sound, and my GPS receiver continued to ignore signals from the geosynchronous satellites NASA shot into space to guide me home.

Epilogue; Six days later, and my $500.00 GPS unit is officially f--king bricked. When restarted, it just moans. I am sure I see bloody lesions on the back, and its T-cell count is near zero.

I can only surmise that Amy Winehouse gave my GPS unit AIDS. I'm buying a Tom-Tom, and an iPod adapter.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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