Written by Aubergine Underwood
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Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Miss Eula Ramer is the best cook in Hog Jaw, Arkansas. Although she is known far and wide for her feather-light tea biscuits and hogshead jelly, Miss Eula has a deep, dark secret: she has a penchant for acquiring cool, innovative kitchen gadgets.

"The minute I seen the IceOrb I was gobsmacked," she said. "It was cute, funky, and I knew I absolutely had to have it now that the Iceman don't come around no more."

The IceOrb is a vertical ice cube tray which consists of a soft silicone outer layer with twenty-one protruding pockets where the ice cubes will be formed. The inner layer is a blue plastic container which snaps into the rim of the silicone layer. The Orb can also double as a wine chiller or serving bowl to keep dips cool at parties.

"Learnin' to use the IceOrb weren't no picnic," continued Miss Eula. "I said to myself, Girl you ain't stupid. You made it to the sixth grade before you had to drop out because the Iceman knocked up your Mama and you were needed to help at home. Actually I think the Iceman is my Daddy too, but that is another story. So, let me tell y'all 'bout my trials and tribulations in tryin' to get the ice out of the Orb.

USE THE FILL LINE. "Findin' the 'fill line' was like lookin' for the proverbial needle in the haystack. Turned out to be a tiny dash located between the bottom two rows of the protruding pockets. Cain't understand why it just don't say to fill with one and one-fourth cups of water.

Anyway, the next step is to fit the blue bucket back into the Orb displacin' the water and snappin' the two layers together. Easier said than done. Required amazing manual dexterity. Two broken finger nails later (real, not acrylic -- we don't do acrylic in Hog Jaw), it was finally ready to pop into the freezer."

CRACK THE ICE AT THE TOP. "The instructions say to place your hands around the top of the Orb and squeeze until you hear the ice crack. Only someone with the strength of a linebacker for the Arkansas Razorbacks could accomplish this feat. Senior citizen? Forget it."

PUSH FROM THE BOTTOM. "The real challenge to using the IceOrb is extractin' the blue bucket from its icy cocoon. I placed my thumbs on the bottom and pushed upwards with all my might. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I tapped it on the table. I ran cold water over it. Then hot water. The Orb refused to yield.

I considered stronger measures: smashing it with a fence post, an ice axe, the jaws of life. By now I wished I'd never bought the blasted thing."

"Eula Girl," I said, "you have wasted your money on another piece of useless crap. Them varments who make the IceOrb ought to be strung up by their thumbs. I whistled for Old Blue, my loyal faithful coon hound, and headed down yonder to the local garbage dump, Mt. Trashmore, and tossed the Orb among the rusted out cars there. Icy innovation? No way.

No ice. No dice.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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