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Thursday, 1 December 2005

image for Your Village Called!! Press Release Chelsea says-I Swiped My ELC Card and Bought THESE!!

VCU Alaska! / Village Credit Union-Alaska!
will now be hosting Quarterly press releases on the YVC Inc website.

Press releases are now available in ViDT (Village inebriate - Delerium Tremens) format.

Viewing them requires the free ViDT InterCranium software available after serious drinking bouts.

Just access your account by Internet.

Helpful information reps are standing by to IM and argue with you.

YVC-Billy224: Don't call me a snoggy head you drunk, and learn how to spell. Your account says that last Sat 12 Nov 2005 at 2318:38hrs you with drew $620 from Checking leaving you with a balance of $176. I didn't take that money you moron, I was out with my fr... oh God. *sigh*

YVC-Customer Lefty112:
ddded so! I was at the Elbow Rrrom looking at my... your chist and I said to you.. Irene. Will you mary me! Then I barrfed and fell off the floor and you stole my monkey!..!
Item 2.

YVC Inc is also pleased to announce a new Joint Venture with AVA / Almalgamated Villages-Alaska! in extending banking services closer to You!

A new pilot program will start after the New Year in our more populated Native communities and isolated rural villages.

Each Village General Store will be visited by a crew of YVC Inc finance reps in full Battle Armor Dress the 1st and 15th of each month to augment the existing bank service coordinators already working as “Village Public Safety Officers“.

This new program will be named: Hand Out.Soon you’ll say HELLO (Hello EmpLoyed LOser) to the new “Village Public Safety” Loan Officer in Your Village! Even though many of you DO say Hello, now it will be official.

Each “Bank of VPSO” (BVPSO) reps that are stationed in each Native village will be on hand to help you with your Needs, Wishes, Wants & Dreams 24/7/365 just like always!

Only this time their transactions are Secured and Reimbursed by the Native non-profits as demanded by their Attorneys in the Class Action Law suit: Alaska VPSO's vs State of AK & Native AK Villages

Exclusive Line of Credit card membership is currently available only in select Alaska Native Villages and isolated Rural Communities throughout Alaska which means Business Checking with Dividends.

No need for “weep” accounts in front of the Kids or “sob” rates while the friends impatiently honk the horn outside in the car. Your dignity is important to us.

ELC members will just pull their cards and swipe the Hands or Ballistic Vests of the Safety Officer, it’s that easy!

Just listen to this mp3 recording of a satisfied customer from Highlands village;
Village public safety officer: “...sit down and keep your f***ing hands in sight I said!.... Angel drop the weapon NOW!!..... I said drop the f***ing rifle right now or your a** is gonna get Tazed sweethea...”

*muffled shuffling sounds and a small purse unzipping....*

VPSO:“oh hi Granma Belles.

*Granma Bea steps forward and swipes her Platinum ELC card “Beeeep”.*

VPSO: “ 20, 40, 60, 80 One.
20, 40, 60, 80 Two.
20, 40, 60, 80 Three, eh...”

“Excuse me Granma..... I SAID, to quit drinking from those bottles you freaks!! Shan!, Mark! Spit that s*** out now!”

*Sounds of Electronic Taser being deployed - Dtdtdtdtzzzzzzzzdtdd - A young man screams and writhes in pain*

VPSO: “Sorry Granma, er. Where was I?”
Granma Belles: “ 60”

VPSO: “80, erh. er.
Granma Bea: “ONE”

VPSO: “One,
20, 40, 60, 80, Two......”

VCU-Alaska! business services provide you with the leverage you need to easily and affordably manage your personal finances right there in the Alaska Village whenever you want where ever you want.!

You get control over your accounts, improved efficiency and cost-effective options of using your Bank of VPSO again and again! (and again)

Bank of VPSO transactions Insured up to $10,000 US Dollars or until the Well runs dry.
VCU Alaska branch participants are enrolled in the MFANNG - Member Federation Alaska Native Non-profit Groups, a Subsidiary of YVC Inc and Amalgamated Villages-Alaska joint venture

*inhale sounds*

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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