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Friday, 30 July 2010

image for Nottingham job centre - New Rules It is essential we stop the fiddling

Reporter Inchcock Chambers has completed his investigation into the new proposed rules to be brought in by the Con/Dem Government, covering the requirements of Unemployed Benefit Seekers applying to the job centre.

These details were as copied from an original hand written minutes book of the Benefits Agency Managers, taken at the Nags Head, and left behind at closing time.

Rule 203847/a:
"Signs of contentment must be avoided at all times, by all applicants".

This is to avoid staff/Interrogators/Management/Security Guards and visitors from getting jealous, and assuming claimants are content with their lot.

Rule 203848/a:
Under no circumstances can the cost of Bus Fare tickets be redeemed that - Are undated - Are crumpled - Are Defaced - or Are are for journeys over 3 miles.

This is in an effort to reduce the amount of fiddling Members of Parliamen.... no! We mean Unemployment Benefit Claimants from getting too high.

Rule 203847/b:
Benefit Claimants recorded on CCTV, heard by staff, or seen my Security Staff to have been coughing, wheezing, snuffling, blowing their noses, or wiping their foreheads, will be subject to a medical inspection, to establish the condition of their health - naturally during this period, benefits will be suspended.

It has to be understood that scum... er, claimants cannot be seeking work if they are unfit, and any occasions of this proved, will result in criminal charges.

Rule 203832/a:
Any Claimants found to be shopping in Sainsburys, as opposed to Asda or the Pound Shops, will be liable to further in depth investigation from the Gestapo... er, Benefits Investigation Team.

This is in an effort to reduce the amount of fiddling Members of Parliamen.... no! We mean Unemployment Benefit Claimants from getting too high.

When these written proposals are accepted and put in print, you will be advised.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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