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Wednesday, 28 July 2010

image for The Muppet Wars, Chapter 4: Elmo, Baby and the Down Low Girls.

Elmo's life began to turn around when he was introduced to a green triceratops named Frances "Baby" Houseman.

Frances came to the Children's Television Workshop studios to audition for a role on Sesame Street, while playing the role of "Fang, the Man-Eating Dinosaur" on a series of home videos called "Barney and the Backyard Gang," which starred Sandy Duncan.

"That was the summer of 1989 - when everybody called me Baby, and it didn't occur to me to mind," she said. "That was before President Clinton, before the Spice Girls came, when I couldn't wait to join the Peace Corps, and I thought I'd never find a guy as great as my dad. That was the summer we went to Sesame Street."

Elmo was sitting in on the casting call when he spotted Frances, jumping around like a lunatic, mugging for the cameras.

Baby didn't get the role on Street, but she and Elmo hit it off immediately, and began dating. In 1990, they married.


Frances and Elmo married on October 5, 1990 at Sesame Place in Langhorne, PA. The following spring, Mr. and Mrs. Monster bought at $5 million home in Windermere, a suburb of Orlando, Florida.

That was also the time that Frances found out that she was pregnant.

On September 13, 1991, Elmo assisted with the bathtub birth of the couple's daughter, Suri. The couple also had a documentarian and film crew on hand. The footage was used in the 1993 alternative-birth documentary, "What The F--k is That?! Is That A... Head?!?"

"Elmo watched his daughter being born!!" he told the Huffington Post. "Frances was naked at 295 pounds giving birth in Elmo's own bathtub. And there is nothing, nothing! that can make Elmo un-see that.

In December of 1991, while "Barney and the Backyard Gang" was searching for an actress to take over Frances' role, Elmo met with Sheryl Leach, Barney's creator, to discuss bringing Frances back in a more kid-friendly role.

"Elmo made no bones about it," said Leach, while stuffing trash bags full of money in her limousine. "He would arrange a meeting with the PBS big-wigs to discuss picking up Barney, but only if his wife was part of the show."

The following January, PBS picked up the revamped show --now called "Barney and Friends"-- for the spring 1992 season, and Frances was recast.

As an inside joke --referring to his wife's nickname and what Elmo said he did to her 3 times a night-- Frances was offered the role of Princess Baby Jizzonface.

(Editor's note: This name was changed to 'Baby Bop' after Season 4.)

The series was produced by Lyrick-HIT Entertainment and Connecticut Public Television. For several months, the show was taped at a studio facility in Dallas, Texas. Then, at a personal expense of nearly $1.5 million, Elmo and Frances had a state-of-the-art studio built on the grounds of their family home in Florida.

Barney was a huge hit, nearly eclipsing the success of PBS stablemates Street and Neighborhood. As part of the original deal, Elmo and Frances received 15% ownership in the Barney series, as well as a significant portion of the merchandise rights. And, since Barney producers slapped that purple dinosaur's face on any two-bit piece of sh-t it could possibly sell, the couple were richer than ever.

Early in the morning of May 11, 1994, Frances gave birth to the couple's second Child, Rumerscout Sean Preston Monster.

Things were going perfectly. Nothing could go wrong.


Something went wrong.

In November, 2009, a website run by a certain unnamed closet-case lawyer, who has a fascination with the Thirty Mile Zone around Hollywood, published a story claiming that Elmo had an extramarital affair with Sesame Street's "Spanish Word of the Day" host Rosita la Monstrua de las Cuevas, a claim she denied.

The story involving Rosita, a former Mexican telenovela actress and reputed Surena gang member, began to attract media attention when Elmo had a car accident a day and a half later.

While driving away from the couple's Sesame Street home at 2:30 A.M. in a Lincoln Navigator SUV, Elmo hit a hedge, a fire hydrant, Oscar The Grouch's trashcan, that deaf chick Linda and, finally, a tree just next to Big Bird's nest.

Elmo was treated for minor fur damage, and ticketed for careless driving.

Elmo refused to speak to the police and the accident fanned intense speculation for two days, until Elmo released a statement, taking blame for the crash and adding that it was a "private matter."

He also praised Frances, now referred to only as Baby, for getting him out of the car.

As you all know, Elmo had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. Elmo has some cuts, fist-shaped bruises, some steak-knife-sized holes, and Elmo's big, googly eyes are pretty sore.

This situation is Elmo's fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to Elmo's family and to Elmo. Elmo is human and not perfect. Elmo will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again.

This is a private matter and Elmo wants to keep it that way. Although Elmo understands there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about Elmo's family and Elmo are irresponsible.

Elmo's captor, Baby, acted courageously when she saw Elmo was hurt and in trouble.

The reason she hit Elmo's $72,000 car with a crowbar, ball peen hammer and a chainsaw, emptied a .38 revolver into it, and threw Elmo's entire collection of Precious Moments figurines at it, was to get Elmo out of the car.

And believe Elmo, Elmo had abso-f--kcing-lutely NO desire to get out.

She was the first person to help Elmo. Any other assertion is absolutely false. This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Baby, our family and Elmo.

Did Elmo write "captor"? Elmo meant "wife."

Elmo announced shortly afterward that he would neither play in nor attend his own charity 10K run, "The Miss Piggy Memorial Bacon Cancer Race For the Cure."


Interest in the story grew, until Nickelodeon reality show "Go, Diego, Go!" cast member Alicia Márquez --sister of titular host Diego-- publicly claimed in the London Daily Mail that she had a two-and-a-half-year affair with Elmo, producing voice and text messages that she said Elmo left her.

The voice message stated: "Hey, Elmo needs you to do Elmo a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? 'Big Green' went thru Elmo's phone. You got to do this for Elmo. Huge. Quickly. Bye. Elmo loves you!"

By telephone, Elmo released a quick denial, saying, "This is not Elmo's message. There are plenty of people named Elmo with annoying falsetto voices who refer to themselves in the 3rd person and are secretly banging two Mexican TV stars. And Elmo thinks... Um, wait."

While the gathered reporters chuckled, Elmo scribbled his second apology of the day, expressing regret for "certain f--kups," and saying "I have let Elmo's family down."

Meanwhile, Diego and Alicia's older sister Daisy --home from college to film her part in the Go, Diego, Go episode "The Bobos' Mother's Day"-- joined her siblings outside the law offices of Gloria Allred, who, as usual, discovered a way to insert herself into the Alicia-Rosita-Elmo Sh-tstorm.

Just before one of Allred's 65 daily press conference was to begin, a black Mercedes raced past the outdoor press conference site, and gunfire erupted from within. Daisy was killed instantly.

Based on witness statements and a composite sketch, police quickly arrested Mr. Noodle's other brother Mr. Noodle, 49, and charged him with the killing.


After over a dozen women claimed in various media outlets that they had affairs with Elmo, media pressure increased.

Just weeks later, Elmo released another statement, admitting to infidelity, offering another apology, and announcing his indefinite hiatus from professional cuckoldry.

That same day, Elmo's lawyers obtained an injunction in England, preventing the publication in the UK of any images of Elmo's furry red c-ck, while denying that Elmo was aware of the existence of any such images.

The day after the statement, several companies indicated they were reconsidering endorsement deals. Subprime lender and tax return factory H&R Block suspended it's "Elmo Got People" advertising campaign, issuing the following statement:

"H&R Block's business is more than 60% lower than this time last season. Clearly the taxpaying public has voted against Elmo with their wallets. Since our absurd business model and ridiculous pricing strategy couldn't possibly be at fault, Elmo is the reason our sales are down."

The following month, AT&T announced the end of its sponsorship of Elmo. For the first time, Elmo lashed out.

"Does that mean Elmo can throw this piece of sh-t away?" Elmo asked during an interview with MSNBC's Dan Abrams, before hurling a 16GB iPhone at the stage manager's head. "Elmo had to leave the house with a Blackberry Curve tucked under Elmo's nuts every day, just so Elmo had a phone that actually makes calls!"

"By the way, Dan," Elmo growled. "In high school, Elmo used to date that wig on your head."


Public sentiment had been almost universally in favor of Baby Bop Monster. Nevertheless, Baby Bop never took the risk to address the public. The only message received from her, other than a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll hung like a bird feeder in front of the couple's Florida mansion, was when she appeared in public with children Suri and Rumorscout, without her 42 ½ carat diamond wedding ring.

Unfortunately for us all, Rosita was less than private. Deciding that she needed to benefit financially from being a lecherous puppet's c-m Dumpster, Rosita appeared on the "Opie, Anthony and Howard Stern Show" on Sirius/XM satellite radio, for the "Elmo Mistress Beauty Pageant."

A transcript of Rosita's statement, which was created by the FCC, because they have absolutely nothing better to do, appeared in newspapers the following day:

Opie: We're back with the Opie, Anthony and Howard Stern Show.

Howard: Good morning, Opie.

Robin: Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha, he, he he he he he, HAHAHA!

Opie: Ok. Hey, check out Opie's Eye on Twitter, I'm uploading photos of Rosita's balloon knot right now.

Howard: I invented Twitter, Robin. Hoo hoo.

Opie: Didn't we fire you?

Robin: Hahahahahaha, Hahaha... Um. Yes.

Rosita: Hello, Opie, Anthony. Hello Howard. Yo, any down ass vatas representin' tha colors! La Surside 3CE aqui! Makin' them lame-ass busters bow down to tha 3CE. O una bala en la espalda, tres en la cabeza, vatas! Wot, wot!


In February, 2010, Elmo delivered a televised speech to PBS pledge drive viewers. He admitted that he had been unfaithful to Baby Bop, but he firmly believes he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to do, and that, due to his success, normal rules did not apply to him.

That settled it for Baby Bop.

With great sadness, Baby directed her lawyers to exercise her option in their pre-nuptial agreement, and filed for divorce from Elmo Monster, her husband of 5 years.

Baby currently lives in a $25 million mansion in Iceland, or Switzerland, or whatever, which she shares with her two children.

And, for suddenly-single Elmo Monster, life couldn't possibly be worse.

"That's what Elmo thought," he said. "Until Fred Rogers knocked on Elmo's door."


To Be Continued...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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