Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 27 July 2010

image for British Blogger "Skoob" Charters David Hasselhoff Eradication Society Not quite Hasselhoff, but the beer monkey skills look promising.

Reportedly based on a personal bet, following a tough loss at team Guinness Pong at the local Pig & Whistle, Internet Blog celebrity, only known as "Skoob", launched a full Blogosphere campaign to eradicate David Hasselhoff from all media airwaves.

A daunting task, most would agree, to eliminate the man who keeps coming back from the proverbial media grave. Somehow more famous now in certain European countries than he ever was back in the United States, "The Hoff" seems to bring some respectable, nay, barely acceptable image of what the American Male is supposed to look like to hungry middle-aged spinsters or recent divorcees.

"I mean, what is the draw? Where's the talent? What is it about the look? How does this guy keep coming back?", asks close friend to Skoob, confidant and seated judge in London Superior Court, Quintessa Mudder. "The guy looks as if he's teetering on the curb after consuming a few too many Gimlets, whist on his way to a little epidermal surgery and a little facial nip and tuck. But, he keeps coming back. He's indestructible".

The Right Honorable Judge Mudder has a point, and was allowed to make it in light of the fact that she had handily whipped Skoob at Pong by a healthy margin of 10 to 3. Albeit a bit off topic, never bet on Guinness Pong against a woman who paid her way through graduate school by playing the same game. "It was Kilkenny back then, but no matter", sniped Mudder.

Skoob's plan was unveiled yesterday with the official opening of the D.H.E.S. website. Compiled from various internet outlets, personal camera phones, or home movie camera footage, Hasselhoff can be seen in various stages of undress and/or inebriation while performing his duties as an actor, if you can bring yourself to label him with that title. He appears in many videos while acting to the untrained eye to be flat out wasted. And still, the job offers keep coming.

Most recently, Hasselhoff attempted to reprise his role on daytime soap-opera show The Young and the Restless, as Doctor "Snapper" Foster. "He has trouble completing his lines with a clipboard in hand, assumed to have the lines written on it, and can barely negotiate the motor skills to grab a pen from his pocket", says Skoob. "Worse yet, he pulls another gig at Comedy Central for a personal Roast. The guy just won't fade away."

Still banking on his side of the bet, Skoob is pulling out all stops to remove Hasselhoff from big and small screens. In a personal plea, Skoob has even offered Hasselhoff a job as his own personal refrigerator monkey. "I figure he'd be interested in a job where he can drink all day himself for free and all he needs to do is bring me a fresh beer when his pager goes off with a code of 999. It may be a bit of a challenge for him to navigate the pathways and hallways of the Skoob Estate, but it would be fun to watch him try and find me".

"I just can't handle the Hoff anymore. He needs the heave ho", says Skoob. "Besides, if I lose this bet I'll have to run through Superior Court bare assed, wearing nothing but a powdered wig. I don't do that sort of thing anymore, least wise, not without being graciously tipped for my effort".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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