Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 27 July 2010

image for Rodriguez Bloodline Proven Rightful Heir to Spanish Throne "I am King!" Declares Abel Rodriguez and his favorite stuffed frog.

In a shocking announcement to the world press last month, evidence was provided that suggested that Juan Carlos, reigning King of Spain, may not be the rightful heir to the throne.

Another family closely connected to royal bloodline, a branch off the same familial tree if you will, has challenged the validity of Juan Carlos' reign. Regina Evita Rodriguez, matriarch of the Rodriguez family and controlling stockholder of Spain's largest financial institution, Banco Santander, initiated the challenge. "When Francisco Franco named Juan Carlos as his successor, it was under false pretense and with assumption as to his lineage", declared Rodriguez.

Privately researching logs and concubine diaries from the last 150 years, and modern DNA testing from hair follicles and other available sources, Rodriguez makes a compelling argument. "We might have done a little bit of grave robbing to get the DNA, but digging for the truth will drive that sort of behavior. Get it? Digging for the truth? Is this microphone on?" says Rodriguez family lawyer and part time, moderately successful (but only in Vegas on Fridays), stand-up comedian, Carrot Top.

When the results of the testing became available, Regina Rodriguez was clearly excited to open the plain manila folder, and then blanked out her facial expression as she focused on a single spot on the first page. "Why did it have to be Abel", she said.

News spread quickly of the potential new heir to the Spanish throne as the world press created a buzz around the man, known only as a non-paid satirical writer for TheSpoof online magazine. Abel Rodriguez was found at an open air café in Portugal, with a bevy of personal aides at his side, all young, female and dressed as nurses. With one hand on his broadband linked laptop and another checking for the formation of posterior cellulite on Nurse Juanita, the press surrounded him with cameras. One photographer was heard to say in broken English, "This is the new King of Spain?"

Juan Carlos and his lawyers were quick to dispute the claims, demanding to see all copies of the evidence, including originals. There was no confirmation of the claim that he also called for a burn barrel, a pint of lighter fluid and some matches. Upon hearing Juan Carlos demands, Regina Evita Rodriguez's only response was, "come mierda y muerte".

"With the full Royal name; Juan Carlos Alfonso Víctor María de Borbón y Borbón-Dos Sicilias, it is clear that we will need the family lineage present in our Royal name as well", Regina says. Confirming the names on the corrected family tree, it became clear that the Rodriguez side of the family had slept around a bit in Western Europe. "Great Grandfather Alonzo seemed to be a bit of a travelling man-whore, and so is his current day offspring, Abel", commented Regina.

Calling a new press conference yesterday from the safety of British soil, Regina Rodriguez displayed the evidence of her claim, while reluctantly standing next to the supposed rightful heir to the throne. Smelling of cheap whiskey, cigars and sex, the man wearing faded jeans, torn U2 Tee-Shirt and carrying a Vuvuzela as a scepter was introduced as "Abel Diego Rodriguez McIntosh Schindler O'Banion Polanski y Heyerdaal".

Releasing a belch and a rearward facing gaseous discharge almost simultaneously, the unconfirmed heir to the Spanish Throne stepped to the microphone with Vuvuzela raised in the air and asked, "Can somebody help me shotgun a beer with this thing?"

Spanish residents are reportedly looking forward to the party.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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