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Saturday, 17 July 2010

image for When Jeremy Paxman Met Gary Neville Gary Neville: You're a Cunt

Following popular demand from fellow writers on The Spoof; myself and the Newsnight crew grabbed the opportunity to interview Gary Neville in his bedroom at his mum's house.

The interview was recorded earlier as Gary's mum makes him go to bed at 8pm right after his tea and our Newsnight show does not broadcast until 10.30pm.

The written transcript of the show is as follows:

Jeremy Paxman: Good evening, welcome to a Newsnight special in which we'll be cross-examining Gary Neville on his sexuality, his moustache, his mother complex and his adoration of Sir Alex Ferguson.

After the last match yesterday - a friendly - where he again sat on the bench, Alex Ferguson looks increasingly likely to sell Neville.

Tonight in Gary Neville's small box sized bedroom in Manchester, we've invited Mr Neville to make his case for his continued existence. Tonight, taking questions from me, he'll have the chance to do so.

Gary Neville, for you to remain at Manchester United, surely you actually have to play some football don't you?

Gary Neville: I play lots of football Jeremy, I had a kick about earlier with my brother in the back garden, I was brilliant, I tackled him and everything.

Jeremy Paxman: Erm yeeeeeesss, but what I mean Mr Neville is you have to actually play some professional football and the fact is you just aren't playing are you; you're stuck to the bench...

Gary Neville: Yeah but look at yesterday Jeremy, like I was sat on the bench right but I was sat right next to Sir Alex and he even glanced at me at one point then brushed against my leg when he stood up and I felt all warm and tingly.

Jeremy Paxman: Gary, you're just staring at your Ferguson poster and you're still not answering the question. You just aren't playing professional football for Manchester United are you?

Gary Neville: But I am Jeremy, I play loads of football in training. Look at today, I played in training. I was brilliant. I even laid out all the kit and training cones for Sir Alex and he actually looked briefly at me from the sideline - I felt dead special. He never looks at Rio like that.

Jeremy Paxman: But Rio Ferdinand plays almost every match Gary and you don't…

Gary Neville: Well as it happens I hung out with Rio after the match, well until he told me to 'go away innit'. I'm gonna tell Sir Alex tomorrow and get Wayne to give him a Chinese burn.

Jeremy Paxman: But you didn't play today Gary. You didn't play in the last match. You haven't played for as long as anyone can remember. None of the fans have even seen you on Match of the Day all season…

Gary Neville: Well, I watched MOTD when I got home last night to see if Alex had said anything about missing me on the pitch but there was nothing - they must have edited it out.

Jeremy Paxman: They didn't edit you out Gary because there was nothing to edit out. You didn't play. You're not a part of Ferguson's plans. You're surplus to requirements.

Gary Neville: I'm not, I'm not, Alex loves me. The fans love me too. I'm the best defender in the whole wide world.

Jeremy Paxman: Admit it Mr Neville, your career is finished. Do you seriously expect us to believe that you still have a future at Manchester United? The fans we spoke to don't think so…

Gary Neville: That's a dirty lie, the fans all love me, they really do, I promise, I always kiss my badge and they all think I'm hard and manly 'cos of my moustache.

Jeremy Paxman: Finished Gary. Over. Done with. Admit it...

Gary Neville: Nyik nyik nyik waaaahhhh

Jeremy Paxman: For goodness sake Neville are you actually crying?

Gary Neville: Waaaaaaaaaaaah

Jeremy Paxman: Stop it you big girl.

Gary Neville: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. Mum….

My interview with Neville was interrupted at this point while his mum consoled him for half an hour, gave him a back rub and brought him his cocoa. When we resumed, I asked him the following question:

Jeremy Paxman: What's Alex Ferguson like as a manager?

Gary Neville: He's wonderful, he's a wonderful wonderful person and a wonderful human being.

Jeremy Paxman: But he has a reputation as being miserable doesn't he?

Gary Neville: Well, I have to admit that Sir Alex was a bit of a grouchywouch today to be honest. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him the drawing I'd done for him. I hope he puts it on his fridge with the others though.

Jeremy Paxman: You sound like you were a bit down Neville, what did you do after the match?

Gary Neville: I went into town afterwards with my mum and this small boy was laughing at me so I held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. I felt much better. Then I bought some Re-Gane Hair Restorer from the chemists and I put it on my top lip today. Actually, I can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Jeremy Paxman: Well I have to say Mr Neville there is definitely a whiff of lavender about you what with your mother, your Alex Ferguson worship and your little moustache, wouldn't you agree?

Gary Neville: Sorry, I'm confused

Jeremy Paxman: Exactly. So you admit it?

Gary Neville: Admit what?

Jeremy Paxman: That you're a homosexual.

Gary Neville: I didn't say that.

Jeremy Paxman: Yes you did, you said you were confused, about your sexuality…

Gary Neville: I said I didn't understand the question and you implied I was effeminate.

Jeremy Paxman: I did not imply that you are effeminate, I merely stated the fact that you are a balls deep, mince loving, gayboy

Gary Neville: But I'm not gay, you can ask anyone.

Jeremy Paxman: Gary, you're sat here talking to me from inside a room full of Take That posters and you're wearing a string vest. Do you seriously expect me to believe that you're a fully paid up member of the heterosexual society?

Gary Neville: No

Jeremy Paxman: No you're not a member of the heterosexual society?

Gary Neville: Yes…I am? Or is the answer supposed to be no? You're confusing me.

Jeremy Paxman: So we're back to your sexual confusion. You concede it's true then?

Gary Neville: No I don't, and I'd just like to…

Jeremy Paxman: Gary it's true isn't it? Just admit it…

Gary Neville: Look this is getting…

Jeremy Paxman: Gary, are you the tunnel or the train?

Gary Neville: What tunnel?

Jeremy Paxman: So you're saying any tunnel will do Gary? You're saying you enjoy promiscuous anal sex with multiple men? Are you not worried about AIDS?

Gary Neville: I have plenty of aides, the club provides them for us wherever we go…

Jeremy Paxman: So you have HIV?

Gary Neville: No it was AIG and now it's AON.

Jeremy Paxman: Gary Neville, I'm going to ask you once more. Are you gay?

Gary Neville: That's a lie!

Jeremy Paxman: Gary, what's the opposite of false?

Gary Neville: errr, true?

Jeremy Paxman: So it's true then?

Gary Neville: No it is not.

Jeremy Paxman: Answer the damn question Gary, is it true, the truth being the diametric opposite of a lie?

Gary Neville: But Jeremy, I…

Jeremy Paxman: One word Gary…

Gary Neville: I'm simply not going…

Jeremy Paxman: For Christ's sake, even Michael Howard was more forthcoming. For the final time Gary Neville, will you finally admit that the only woman you have ever slept with is your mother and that you are actually a homosexual?

Gary Neville: Ok, ok, I admit it, goddammit, it's true. Are you satisfied now Paxman?

Jeremy Paxman: And you've slept with your mother?

Gary Neville: Yes, yes you bastard.

Jeremy Paxman: Mrs Neville? You sleep with your son?

MRS NEVILLE: He's a very caring and conscientious lover.

Jeremy Paxman: And you're brother Gary? Have you shagged him too?

Gary Neville: Fuck no, have you seen him? He's fucking cripple faced. Look, it's all been a bit much this and you're totally out of order, I'd like to…

The interview was again suspended for a few minutes as Mr Neville threw his collection of Man Utd teddy bears at the wall and banged his fist on his branded pillow. When we resumed, I moved the subject away from his rampaging gayness:

Jeremy Paxman: Gary, Gary, chillax. Let's change the subject back to football. Is that Ferguson's autobiography on your bedside table?

Gary Neville: Yes it is, I read it every night after Mum brings me my hot milk.

Jeremy Paxman: Why are the pages stuck together? Hot man milk?

Gary Neville: Fuck off Paxman…

Jeremy Paxman: Gary, you have quite a temper don't you? Does that translate onto the pitch, you looked quite angry after that goal yesterday…

Gary Neville: No way was that a penalty, I gave that cockney bastard Terry a right hard stare in the tunnel to let him know that I know. I reckon he was well scared. Then a kid in a wheelchair laughed at my moustache and ruined it for me. I cried myself to sleep actually.

Jeremy Paxman: Do you get angry at home?

Gary Neville: Well Mum tried to make me eat veg for my tea and then laughed at me when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again.

Jeremy Paxman: Quite. How do you deal with fame Gary?

Gary Neville: I like fame, people are always passing me in the street. They're always moving their hands in some gesture in and out their mouth for some reason like they're eating something, not sure what that's all about. I looked at the papers last week and I was in one of them - I put it in a scrapbook. The photo on the back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum reckons it's just the ink they use; she says I look handsome and manly. Anyway, I'm not as famous as my mate Beckham, he's well more famous than I am.

Jeremy Paxman: And you speak with Beckham regularly?

Gary Neville: Actually, I phoned David earlier to ask him to ask his mate Elton about hair transplants and whether they work on moustaches. He said he was 'too tired after the Jonathan Ross show'. I'm going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Los Angeles and then I'm going to hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.

The interview was again suspended while Gary Neville's mum had a word with him. When we resumed…

Gary Neville: Actually Mum says I can't go to Los Angeles on my own.

Jeremy Paxman: What's your next match Gary and will you be playing?

Gary Neville: Well I took Sir an apple today but Vidic gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play him on Tuesday. Bitch. But I'm washing all the training bibs for Sir Alex and hoovering his car so you never know. The match is against Liverpool. I hate their fans, they always pick on me and Carragher and Gerrard are always out to get me. My moustache should be more manly by then though so I will look well hard.

Jeremy Paxman: Is it true that you stood in the street and threatened to set yourself on fire outside Anfield after they won a historic fifth European trophy?

Gary Neville: Yes, that's true.

Jeremy Paxman: So what happened?

Gary Neville: Well, by the time 50,000 Liverpool fans had finished siphoning their petrol tanks the authorities had arrived and stopped me.

Jeremy Paxman: So were you annoyed that Jamie Carragher went to South Africa with the England team instead of you?

Gary Neville: Of course I am, I'm the best defender in the whole wide world and that dirty scouser Carragher doesn't even have a moustache. England were rubbish without me at the back. Capello totally ignored my 3-5-2 formation suggestion to get round that 'who can replace Gary Neville in the right-back position?' question and I think it cost England a place in the last 16. The whole defence falls apart without me... it's like having only one Krankie. Even though I missed the World Cup every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have had a lot of calls from people during the Summer offering £10m or even £20m for me, but I will never leave the best team in the whole wide world ever ever. I should have been made captain of England, it's not like I'm gonna shag anyone's wife is it?

Jeremy Paxman: But I think England underperformed anyway, especially you're team mate Rooney. How do you defend against Wayne?

Gary Neville: Sir told me to just try and go to him and stop Wayne cutting inside me at training, but he's bigger than me and he threatened to knot the toggles of my jim-jams together while I was asleep. Wayne's so funny off the pitch though, I mean he's always bantering and he made a joke to me yesterday after I laughed at him for trying to get the key into his locker for 20 minutes, he said "go fuck yourself you snotty little brown nose cunt". He's defo my favourite scouser, he got a bottle of champagne for man of the match yesterday but he wasted it 'cos he kept missing his mouth…

Jeremy Paxman: Hmmm, yeeeeeeeeees. I've just noticed that you have a lot of mirrors in your bedroom Gary, any particular reason why?

Gary Neville: Well, I need them for when I comb my moustache but I do find that whenever I stand in front of the mirrors, I get aroused.

Jeremy Paxman: Well of course you do, you're a cunt.

And on that bombshell, we concluded the interview and left Gary Neville alone with his mother in his bedroom. And some lube.

So that's it for Newsnight this evening, join us tomorrow when I'll be interviewing the ghost of George Best.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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