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Tuesday, 1 November 2005

WINCHELSEA DAILY BUGLE: Notes and Queries October 27th 2005

1. True or False?
a) Leg
b) Moustache
c) Grit

ANSWER: Lower the part gently into largish “Johnson’s” pickled onion or beetroot jar containing spirit of Gentian and Namibian malachite crystals for 20 minutes and only then attempt to board the plane. Do not say the word “suit” for the rest of the day and consult GP on return. Wear loose trousers for at least a week afterwards. No proper sexual relations unless with Greeks, only watch television suspended from meat hooks and refrain from toilet use when Barometric Pressure is below 955 millibars. [Ref. Pillbright, P.G. (1965); “The Use of Condiment Receptacles for the Treatment of Nasty Rashes”, Int. Jour. Nasty Rashes, Vol. 67, p.34-37, Wacko Press, Melbourne.

2. In 1872, Colonel McIntyre D. London-Zoo led a cavalry charge against the combined forces of both the Navajo and Sioux Indians. Hidden beneath his wig was an exact replica of:
a) His head
b) Showaddywaddy singing 'Under The Moon Of Love'
c) The plans to The Lost Tomb Of Liberace's Dad

ANSWER: This historical account is believed to be a myth deliberately perpetrated by the Waheetie Indians, who were generally unwarlike and lethargic, preferring to stay outside their circular teepees (“why the poncey triangle shape who gives a shit”) whittling willow branches into useless artifacts and muttering to each other about how the Sioux were “showy fuckers”. In fact the Colonel’s famous “wig” was in fact his scalp which was brought back by the Navajo after a two day auction, where it fetched two buffalo hides and a set of “Wigwam” ceremonial granite castration tomahawks and some berries. The story developed that after the scalping, the Colonel’s skull had the words to Jailhouse Rock imprinted upon it in Sanskrit, but historians doubt this.

3. If it takes three men seven hours to whistle fifty operas, how big is the Duke Of Huddersfield's suitcase?

ANSWER: mathematical modelling and laboratory testing analyses in 1969 consisting of a novel development of Taylor’s Theorem on Reverse 2nd Order Power Series whilst blindfolded and on acid and construction using 17 vacuum cleaners and a Wal-Mart furniture display unit converted into a centrifuge by Professor Dwight. B. Hoobelmeyer III at the University of New Dworkville, Wisconsin have shown that the average volume of Briddish Royal family suitcases in the twentieth century is 15,900 cubic feet with a Standard Deviation of 134,087 cubic feet. In other words as he stated at the 2nd International Conference on Really Very Pointless Studies in Seattle in 1971, “man those things just expand and contract like fuckin crazy”

4. Spot the odd one out:
a) A horse
b) The same horse
c) A slightly different horse

ANSWER: a good guess based upon legs will usually get the job done here, but for 100% certainty, the use of Sandringham Infra Red Equestrian Goggles (Mather and Herbert “Horsies and Ponys R US”, Regent Street, London, Price £599 plus VAT) will remove that nagging doubt.

5. Two 'Great Works Of Art' were rediscovered in a London cellar in 1975. One was Van Gogh's 'Dancing Chicken With Bugle'. What was the other?

ANSWER: Salvador Dali’s “Soft Dripping Spoons” painted in Guiria in 1938 in the midst of the famous mad loony’s mescalin, lard and turnips period whilst living with his Aunt Pontificada and sleeping in a papier mache bed because he claimed he could “feel the world” through it. The painting showed spoons draped in Dali’s inimitable style across a desert landscape with red blood dripped cockroaches in pajamas in the background, whose limbs appear to be surrealistically (or stupidly depending upon the critics point of view) supported by rulers with the words “porque las guerras” irritatingly and pretentiously written on the sides in shaky handwriting. Some critics described the “piece” as an allegorical critique of the bourgeouis use of spoons in a world where war was rife, whereas others described it as “another piece of “surreal…yeah right” old crap from the mustachioed old phony.

6. I have six arms, three heads and seventy feet. What am I?

a) A Centipede?
b) A Millipede?
c) Severely Deformed?

ANSWER: None of the above, you were very probably a member of the Central Congolese tribe The Yummy Eatem Eatems, discovered by Stanley in 1845 around the Yanga River, noted for their desire only to consume limbs and brains. It is believed this distorted form of cannibalism developed from the more usual total consumptive type, due to Arab slave traders in the 15th and 16th centuries telling the tribesmen that the Koran regarded a man’s hands and feet as the most sacred parts of the body which are always to be kept clean and that Allah could see into a head which was the central essence of mankind.

It is also understood that Stanley was believed to have said “oh fuck” upon discovering these matters.

Alternative answers on a small postcard, please, to: The Jimi Hendrix Home For The Ill-Defined, West Sussex, Britain, W65 000.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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