Written by Bill Licks
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Monday, 12 July 2010

image for Great News! Faster Speeds with your BullshiT Broadband Download your favourite Psychic Octopus videos in just over 2 weeks with our new super fast broadband

Dear Customer,

Great news!

As part of our commitment to provide you with the best broadband speed your line can support, we've recently upgraded your broadband and telephone line to our new faster network, offering up to 20 Mb broadband speeds! You are now enjoying a faster connection - for free!

Go faster with your BullshitT Broadband service


We've upgraded your line to the fastest speed your line can support. Your connection speed before the upgrade was estimated as 6.9 Mb.

Following the upgrade, this has increased to 7.9 Mb.

You may have already noticed that 7.9 Mb isn't 20Mb and you may be feeling slightly aggrieved that you aren't actually getting your full quota of 20Mb broadband, but remember we've given you this - at no extra cost! So what are you fucking moaning about?

Factors determining your broadband speed

Your maximum broadband connection speed primarily depends on how far you live from your telephone exchange. Generally, the farther away you live, the lower the maximum connection speed your telephone line can support.

Let's say you live right next door to your telephone exchange.

No strike that.

Let's say you live in your local telephone exchange then you can enjoy the full 20 Mb connection speed morning, noon and night.

Now let's say you live a couple of streets away.

LOSER.

That's right you are a loser because you are losing connection speed as you live so far away from the telephone exchange.

If you want faster connection speed then move closer to the telephone exchange and you can have faster broadband at no extra cost*

For more information on up to 20 Mb broadband and the factors affecting your broadband speed, please go to www.BullshiT.com/20mb

Try our free** BullshiT Broadband Accelerator

Speed can also be affected by other factors, such as electrical interference in your home, the gravitational pull of the moon, global warming, international terrorism, the gestation period of the North Atlantic grey seals, Anne Robinson's minge, your piece of shit laptop that you refuse to upgrade, the French, the 200 GB of hardcore, one eyed, midget porn clogging up your hard drive, every time you swear, if your house is made of bricks, if you're a cunt, if you breathe oxygen, if you're a Sagittarius, when the sun shines, when you were born you insignificant prick..... are just some of the factors.

The BullshiT Broadband Accelerator is a self-install device that can sometimes help eliminate interference and increase speed. We're now offering a BullshiT Broadband Accelerator, worth £15, free** to all BullshiT Total Broadband customers.
Find out more at www.BullshiT.com/accelerator

Thank you for choosing BullshiT Total Broadband.

Best wishes,

BullshiT Total Broadband team

* No extra cost when you move does not include the cost of £129.99 for installation of a line in your new property, along with £8.49 for the first 3 months, then £15.49 a month + £12.54 line rental for a minimum 18 month contract. So fuck you, you free loading cunts.


**A postage fee of £15 applies. Offer limited to one per household. Speed increase cannot be guaranteed. What do you expect? It's an empty plastic fucking box with a sticker saying 'BullshiT Broadband Accelerator' on it. Twat.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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