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Friday, 9 July 2010

image for #3 Ask Hank: Trailer Park Pursuit

Dear Hank,

I'm pretty sure my sister in law totally wants me. She's gross, but I guess I'd still go make it happen if I thought my girl wouldn't find out. Doesn't matter.
I'm conflicted. On the one hand it would be kind of interesting, but on the other hand my wife might find out.

What should I do?

Waiting Impatient,
Houston Adjacent

Dear WIHA,

Just what the world needs--another ugly baby. I mean think about it. Even if your sister-in-law is as gross as you say, why do you think she wants you, of all people--someone who obviously lacks the good sense necessary to shy away from marrying into an inferior gene pool in the first place? I'll tell you why. Her biological time clock (in this case more like time bomb) is ticking away and some women are so blinded by that fact that they'll come onto any yahoo within breeding distance.

Answer me this, when she sees you alone, does she assume the position? Eyes averting your leer, slowly turning her back to you, reaching down to scratch an itch on her ankle with one hand while using the other to smooth the loose tendril of hair that falls softly over her one good eye? If so, that is your sign buddy. You've been chosen as the breeder and no amount of trying to walk away from this one will save you.

She is serving herself up to you, and you can kid yourself all you want that she does this because you are one desirable stud, when, in reality, it is merely your ability to fertilize a seed that has her lusting after you.

As for your wife, hell, she's probably already in on the deal. These women have probably spent many a night going over the plan on how to get you to jump on the offer, so to speak. Sorry to break it to you this way Skippy, but it's more than likely not your good looks that has this woman scoping you out.

So, should you go for it?

I could plead with you and beg you to resist the temptation, knowing the outcome will be yet another redneck baby on the WIC dole, but you are a man, first and foremost, and that means you are going to tempt fate and go for it no matter what I say.

Just do us all a big favor, though. On the off chance that I'm wrong and this woman sees something in you other than your ability to procreate, please use condoms.

Yours,

Hank

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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