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Saturday, 10 July 2010

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CLASSIFIEDS


Eric Pickles Polecat Bank. Also David Cameron Space Hopper. £1.50 apiece or £2 the pair. Bri 07876 34344

Brace of tame hares - Don't answer to their names 'Burke and Hare' (not sure which is which). Ideal as pets or for the pot (not houstrained hence £5 ONO) Mr Henchman 01209 303033

1965 Morris Oxford saloon with newspaper roof and pair of three-legged Belted Galloway cows. They won't be separated. Unwanted wedding present. £250 ONO 09898 112311 after 11pm

Dictators In Bottles - Stalin, Hitler & Mao. £10 each or £25 a set. New - Powdered Wonders Of The World. Just Add Water. Taj Mahal Now In. From £12.50. Poulter's Bottled Phenomena, High Street, Whittering

Pascall's Pensees Nested Dolls - each with a pensee engraved - Vanitas Mundi section wrongly inserted at the end not beginning hence £15. Worth £15. Also Pascal's Wager Personal Grooming Kit £10.65. £20 the lot. Edna Trample 08787 00001

Cecil the attic-dwelling horse seeks a new home - owners moving into bungalow hence £55 for quick sale. Nosebag and Noel Edmonds doll included. Arthur Lee Gonward 07600 509811

I can broker your broken bicycles - Bruce The Broken Bicycle Broker. Also registered for Broken Biscuits. (not Broken Hearts or Broken Back Mountain - the jokes are wearing thin) call Bruce at any time day or night on(you didn't send enough money - Classifieds Ed.)

Jack The Ripper Alarm Clock Wake up to a different murder each day. Not suitable for children or Victorian prostitutes. Also Tyburn Tree Hatstand. £25.00 the pair. Albert King 02230 090009

Pol Pot-in-a-box. Teach your children about Cambodia. Complete with skull mountain. £24.99 The Vicar of Cumnock Box 21A

Rocking Horse with Original Antlers & Beard. Unique Toy. Seaweed Missing, Hence £11.84. Also Clockwork Arthur Askey - sings 'Busy Bee' song in high-pitched japanese only, and has sinister face hence £1.07. Or £15 the lot. Hailey Scomett 00009 99990

Nick Clegg Doll. Full Set of Turnable Coats. Original Brown Nose Intact. Full Repertoire of Glib Phrases and Meretricious Gimmicks. Collectors Item. Genuine Period Piece. £76.67 Menzies Campbell, Isle of Harris 00099 11110

Disused Bishop. Diocese Unknown. Mitre slightly curled. Cheap to maintain. Unique feature - lends 'gravitas' to a medium-sized or large garden. Has been used as dovecote, hence £23.84 Kim Burley-Diamond 00000 00000

Music lessons for girls 10-14 only. Lionel 'Daddy Long Legs' Twitchen. Sensitive girls nurtured. 'I take little angels under my wing'. Music is a gift for life. NB The allegations were unproven. Little Wendy was my friend. Box 101 only

Dandy George Osborne Junior Chancellor Fop Set. Complete with periwigs, regency wardrobe, pox-doctor's medicine cabinet and Wallpaper-Empire Warchest. Untried. As new. £345 ONO Major Morris Minor, Trumper House, Trumpering, Trumpertonshire TR99 9RT Telegrams only

'Tubby' Thompson 'The Jolly Fat Man With The Prehensile Lips' - available for Family Get-Togethers & Office Functions. New - for Kid's Parties: Laughing Policeman Owl Act (will not use prehensile lips in front of minors) 00223 012010

String Vest - worn once by large nude couple - stretched and slightly soiled hence 75p Mr & Mrs Arbuckle 90999 771711

Send me your string. With your pieces I aim to encircle Huntingdonshire for charity. 'How Long Is A Piece of String?' Ivan Toblerone, Greta Garbo Impersonator and Ephemeral Sculptor www.ivantobleronegretagarboimpersonatorandephemeralsculptor.web.uk

Second-Hand Cosmic Jigsaw. Childhood favourite. Endless Fun. Also Beginningless. May Be Pieces Missing But Who Can Say? £15.06 call Sky Traveller between 03:45 and 03:46 any February 16th and leave a message

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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