Residents of Newby, Isle of Wight are asking for a new vicar.
A number of reasons have been given as to why they are not satisfied with the present vicar:
1. He's tone deaf and as he is the choirmaster he inflicts unnecessary suffering on the ears of the congregation, having put together a choir of individuals who can't 'hold a note'.
2. He is dyslexic and his sermons - advertised on the notice board outside the church - contain topics such as:
How to sick sued in life without really frying
Dog sent his only sun to us that Wii may be savoured
Treat thy naysayer as thou woods be traitored thyself
Be leaf in the Lord and ye shalt enjoy everlisting
3. He is often seen walking amongst the gravestones in the
cemetery behind the church, dressed as a Morris Dancer
waving a bunch of gladioli
The local councillors are holding a meeting in the Community Centre on Thursday at 7 p.m.
Refreshments will be served by the local Women's Institute members. The ususal sausages on sticks, sardine sandwiches and lukewarm tea will be offered for a donation towards Mrs. Gladys Shufflebottoms' upcoming 'piles operation'.
All persons are welcome except the vicar.
The final decision of his demise will be printed in next week's Parish News.
(Editors note: Please don't anyone tell him what's going on.)