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Friday, 2 July 2010

image for Downeaster News: Hot Breaking Snippets from Coastal Maine #3 Horny Lab Flies Disrupt Summer on Mt. Desert, Maine!

Rogue Black Flies Escape from Lab, Impregnate Mt. Desert Tourist!

A biological nightmare was unleashed on this unsuspecting downeast tourist center when a group of sexually aggressive Black Flies managed to escape from Jackson Lab when a technician was twittering on her cell phone and forgot to latch the door to the Super Secret CIA testing center.

The flies were in their fifth generation of development and part of a biological warfare plan funded by the CIA to be used in covert activities against select 'terrorists of opportunity' and another step up in the US's successful 'drone' program.

Sources close to the lab, including a certain red headed deep cover Russian Mole, said the experimental flies carry a highly sophisticated DNA profile combining the sexual drive of Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer, John Terry, Tiger Woods, and in an acknowledgment of Global Warming, Al Gore...all in all a pretty potent combination.

Northeast Harbor and Bar Harbor police responded today to a early morning hysterical call from a middle aged female tourist claimed she was sexually assaulted by a swarm of insects while she was walkin her dog along Sargent Drive, bordering scenic Somes Sound.

Training Officer Cadet Timothy O'Brien was the first to reach the victim on his bicycle. " I found her crouched along side the road with her clothes ripped and in some kind of trance like condition, " he wrote in his report, "At first I thought she was suffering from a drug overdose because her ID indicated she was from Massachusetts. It was while I was attempting to protect the crime scene for the detectives, that I noticed her thighs were covered with what appeared to be black fly bites that extended all the way up to her unshaven groin area.

"The rest of her exposed body parts were unmarked including her naked breasts, which like her vagina, was quite comely for someone from away."

According to the conclusion of the report, the woman, who's identity is being shielded, kept claiming that a swarm of the insects had flown up her L.L. Bean hiking shorts and ravished her in a wanton, though not unpleasing manner.

Officials from the Mt Desert Hospital, where the victim was taken, later positively confirmed that the woman had not only been attacked, but impregnated during the incident.

"These were very determined, single minded little buggers, make no mistake," said Dr. Ury Singh," their sex drive to reproduce before they died was quite remarkable!"

Phillip P. Thackery III, PhD, MA, BA and a graduate of Choate, Harvard, and with a fellowship to Oxford, has been identified as the head of the laboratory conducting the experiment. A spokesman for the Lab said he was unavailable for comment, but that the lab, which is Federally Funded, regretted any discomfort caused by the inadvertent accident and would pay child support from their government Health Care Policy.

Local officials, unable to determine how many of the promiscuous insects may still be on the loose, called upon the Maine State Agricultural Department to dispatch their CRACK SWAT TEAM from Island Falls where they had been working to eradicate pests on the potato fields, to Mt. Desert in order to try and dispatch the buggers before the short tourist season wound up in shambles.

Officials said they would try and use decoys to trap the little buggers.

A state official said over 275 women from Stonington had volunteered for the assignment, but that they were leaning more toward woman from the Reality Show "Jersey Shore' whose body musk was more likely to attract the insects and send them into a suicidal frenzy of fornication.

More Fantastic Maine Tails as We Git Em.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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